ok i'm happy now! i have my loving computer spouse back! my life might be one train wreck after another but i must have my laptop... seriously!
yeah so i try to stick to the subject of my health here on lunatics... but i have one question... when do i decided that a relationship is an unfair one? and once i decide that, what do i do about it?
when i have done and done and done for these people and they stubbornly do nothing for me...? wth?! i am in need of a miracle this Christmas... how 'bout the miracle is that the ones who are perfectly healthy do something to help themselves... would that be to much to ask for? in this family it would be a miracle indeed!

ok just a quick update... my computer crashed.... ahhhhh!
i have had a head ache for 3 days now... i can't think of anything besides this headache and Barnaby dumped me! ):

i realize i have been pretty tight lipped about what is going on here... my hell! how to cope? i have taken myself off my fiorecet completely and am only taking the xanax very randomly....?! sticking to 50 mg morning and night of lamictal.... i didn't make it to al anon last thursday and no meeting on thanksgiving.... i can feel myself bracing against this wind... when will the wind stop blowing like this?
it seems like the wind is always blowing..... it is howling outside... i can hear it!

headache.... again? seriously!? why do i have to live my life with a headache?!

my heck, i am trying to keep up! i am finally over the flu.... i started work today... it was good to be back... i am holding at 50mg morning and night... i have been "reducing" for a year and am somewhat very irritated now that is occurs to me that i am addicted.... i never set out to be an addict... i just thought i was following my dr.s advice...! grrrrrr! that's what i get for listening to a "practicing physician" yeah go practice on someone else!...
it may take me a minute to come up with a game plan but i am determined to be clean and sober by next summer....! (i have learned to give myself time... set goals out there and if it happens sooner i am happy!)

ok i just realized i haven't documented anything for all most 2 weeks... how did it all get so far out of control?! i have been so sick! flu bug from hell! my poor kids! i hate when we are sick! still holding at 50mg morning and night.... ahhhhh! i can feel myself quiver under the shear weight of my life! i am clinging to dear life... i do nothing but slather myself in oil....
everyone i know is sick i need to share some recipes blessings...! god give me strength!

ok happy day! really yesterday was amazing! finally cps dropped it's case against me... how the government could come up with charges against me because my son is beyond my control is way out of my realm of comprehension! how ever crazy and out of control it was, it's over now! thank you God i survived it!
now i am deciding on a way to celebrate... so happy today! (:

back to court today... my attorney just called and said to be there before 1... grrrrrr! i am tired of the government being involved in my life! i told mellie this morning that it's all going to pay off when i write my book on how... and i make millions, she said yeah mom do it... so as soon as i am done living thru my train wreck of a life i will write about it...
i tell myself i am going to just ignore it, till i start to hear loud ringing in my ears and feel a twitch in my neck and i think "oh my hell i am going to hit the floor"
but i haven't yet so i am surviving today!

ok i do nothing but eat food and this morning i am below 130... so yesterday my son was sitting on his bed when i tried to walk past him to go into his closet... "what is that smell? all that stuff does not belong on the floor!" without getting off the bed he put out his left arm and blocked me without much effort at all really... yes most of my life i have been maybe too thin...
he maybe big and strong, but me and star put him too shame yesterday with some yoga moves and a small yoga ball (tennis ball size) oh yeah he was so in awe, he wouldn't even try... ok so i am the too skinny too flexible mom.... hmmmmm, what does that mean? what does it all mean? when i start to stress out about not knowing how to be a single mom to a grown up 16yr old boy who is waaaaaay bigger than me, i just remember that it's just another phase, i never knew how to be a mom anyway... right?

ok i wanted to make a note about what has been going on... my friend rayna has talked me into going vegan... i see it as a good opportunity to cleanse and in an attempt to get off these prescription meds.... so i have been changing my diet and watching my sugar.... i have been feeling much better using natural methods to deal with my health...
i made a post of the last time i came close to a seizure, and i need to mention that it happened again last night...
i suddenly realize that i am not struggling with my epilepsy without meds, it occurred to me that i am addicted to these meds i have been on for 5 years now... how can i be having withdrawal from prescription meds? how is it legal that medical doctors are able to give me meds that i will become addicted to? what planet are we on?
so now i am switching gears and addressing my reduction of meds from a point of an addict?! help me God!
will be doing a lot of praying!

i have never posted anything on my lunatics! except my own writings but read this and see what i am going through....!

ok i narrowly avoided a full on seizure last night and the boy watched me do it... i forgot my pill yesterday morning, the two of them are out of school for fall break and i have been crazy busy running after them, not to mention the stress of having everyone here the long weekend...
but i am happy to have the boy see me deal with it... over the last week i have seen him have panic attacks and when i try to talk him thru it he just rolls his eyes, but last night we really had a break through and i feel like he is seeing that i have learned how to push through and it might be something he wants to know...
just staying in the now....!

ahhhhhhhh! i feeling i am always rushing to keep up with the two of them! i have always said, i can do 2 kids, i have 2 eyes, 2 ears, 2 hands, 2 feet, 2 sides of my brian, i mean brain... but now this is harder than i remember.... maybe if i didn't have children with sociopaths i would not have to be a physiologist/pharmacist/ sociologist/ therepist (i think i might be getting pist) hehe, to mother them.... or no now it is called 'non compliance disorder" the boy's attorney said "doesn't every teen aged boy have that?
hell we are packing like crazy to move into the "hand-me-down house" and melanie and dave and griffin decided to come for fall break... they will be here in 2 hrs...... again i say, ahhhhh! cleaning packing, cleaning packing....... homecoming football game tomorrow night.....
to do list:
1. keep company feed and entertained
2. keep babies from killing themselves or others
3. keep the boy sober.....
easy peasy lemon squeezy! (;
i am really going to try to get to al anon tonight.... i am praying for that to happen!

another whole week of headache! no wait it gets better! the beginning of last week i called my pharmacy for a refill of my lamictal.... last friday they still had nothing ready i told them i only had enough pill to get me through the weekend. so monday they told me that my insurance suddenly decided they would not pay for them... a drug i have been on for 5 yrs... suddenly they don't cover it?! so many dr. appointments and phone calls later i finally pick up my meds yesterday afternoon. so before last night my last dose was sunday night... not really a fun way to start off the week... a week of flashing lights and waving walls! lots of small muscle jerks and loud noises ringing in my ears.....!
so this morning other than my headache i am feeling back to normal, well as normal as i ever get... i guess a headache is the norm lately....! ahhhh! yay for being me! we survived one more week.... well almost...!

headache day 6... or is it 7? it is all starting to blur together! i guess i will go to the walk in clinic tonight and try to get a shot... of something... ok this is it i have to make an appointment and go back down to barrow's.... i am so tired of being wired up and having my brain waves mapped and analyzed! grrrrrrr! i am about tired of being me! holding on till november!

panic panic panic! what am i panicking about? who knows? who cares really! a crazy person doesn't need a reason! (: i am sticking to 50 mgs. morning and night.... i can't decide if i am going to have a heart attack or just throw up......

absolutely incredible full moon the past few nights! i can't sleep during a full moon..... yeah they don't call us lunatics for nothing! so basically i stay up all night and struggle with a monster headache all day...... i have been so jacked by the universe recently i have forgotten to take my pill 4 times this week..... which obviously made matters way worse! i am back on track..... well sorta
star has a part in the primary program at church yesterday..... i think i have the boy talked into coming with me.... "all they do at that church is try to brain wash you!" he says.... "well, who the hell doesn't want to be brain washed? (didn't you see igor?! i totally want to be brain washed!) look at all the stupid choices you have made.... hell! look at the horrible choices i have made! just go and get some ideas! once you decide what not to do ..... then you can decide what to do! i will take my camera and put some pictures on my blessings..... (i am not sure cameras are aloud in church..... but that is just how i roll.... that's right stop me before i kill!) lame i know! but who is to argue with me.....i have found that most people are scared of crazy people.....! (;

ok look! i am not going to stop losing weight if i don't stop feeling nauseous all the time! what the hell is my problem?! i just left my dr who thinks i am doing a great job? how is this great? is everyone who comes in 200 lbs over weight and looking for a way to lose weight? this is not great and i am starting to get scared!

i guess i should try to continue documenting what is going on even though it is not quite what would want it to be......the boy has been back with us for a little over a week, and i think the honeymoon period might be close to over.....
i am sticking to 50mgs morning and night..... i seem to have had at least two seizures of some sort since he has been here.... not that anyone has noticed, but i have had substantial bites in my mouth...... grrrrrrr! i have lost over 10lbs and am now much thinner than i would like.....grrrrrr! star keeps wetting the bed and keeps trying to mentally process how to regroup as a family.....grrrrrr!
i love having my son with me, but at this stage in his recovery.....he is like a giant infant, he did nothing but follow me thru the house till i got him into school, now when he is home, all i hear is "look at me, talk to me, pay attention to me" my poor star is feeling quite eclipsed! i can only be determined to help him push through to a place where he will have enough self esteem to sustain him and feel confident enough in his support system to have outside interests.....!
his ride to his support group just called and canceled so my plans of spending my evening with star and going to al anon are out, and i will be spending my whole evening driving to showlow, i will take star with me and we will go out to dinner and pretend it is a girls night out......"help me God" seems to be my mantra of my every minute!

ok i am going back to tuscon to get the boy tomorrow and he is coming back here with us........this is gonna be great! i feel good, i feel great, i feel wonderful! (: