11/21/11

it's almost been a year! i really can't get my head around it! i went completely drug free in september! this has been the hardest year ever but i am drug free and seizure free, well according to many different dr's i have "constant seizure activity" in my brain, but i have not had any seizures that i had to wake up in a ambulance after!
yay me! i am completely off all panic and anxiety meds! so i have been completely paralyzed by my fears! literally! so much work still to be done, but i have learned to stay in the now!
feeling so blessed!

well i went back and forth whether or not to continue my journaling into the new year... but now that i have something to brag about i thought i would share...
finally i am down to just the one medication! happy happy day! i am sticking to the 50 mg of lamictal morning and night, but i am off of three other meds i thought i was addicted to... yay for facing my fears and being able to do hard things!

everyone is completely frozen, everything within a hundred miles is under about a foot of ice... the coldness blows through me like a reed....! i don't belong up here i can feel it shiver me to my core! i see the others around me all fluffy and warm... all snugly and separate from me...
ok to address the idea of a year long journal...yes it is new years eve.... so what?! hmmmm i am still on two of the four meds i spent the last year trying to take myself off of.... i think the real road block didn't come from detoxing as i thought it would.... i seem to have hit a brick wall on the idea of addiction... i am completely addicted to anti seizure meidications... so now my choice is, yeah what is my choice from here?!
how to sum up a whole years failure vs. success on such a clear goal as being clean from foreign chemicals... oh hell i think i thought of it as just quitting chocolate or something... now a year later why am i still on chocolate... i mean lamictal....
ok let's discuss symptoms.... it is now 8 something at night and i have not had a pill since 7 this morning... so now that i can feel the drug wearing off of my system my muscles are shaking... my heart is pounding... i have gone down below my target weight for my height and am sickly thin at 119 lbs... which is by the way really gross... i have always been a big framed girl... all the women in my family are and always have been... pioneer women who worked like men... i have always said 118 is my limit... note to self eat food...
i seriously think my head is going to explode... seriously...! in 1985 i had a car accident at the top of the rim in which i drove myself off a 40 foot cliff and shattered my nose and left cheek bone... yeah ouch even now... a storm system like this could be the death of me.... soooooo cold and off my pain pills though... wait was that a good thing? yes let's just move down off the mountain which has been trying to kill me for years and settle in by the river... yeah let's do that and we won't need pain pills for headaches all winter...
ok wait i think i just switched into talking in third person.... yeah maybe this is why i shouldn't write... i have split personality disorder... (i have learned over the last year that any thing with the word disorder on the end of it is a reason to medicate...."oh yeah i have scratch my mother in law's face off disorder, so sorry"....
lamictal is not only just prescribed for epilespy it is also to be taken for bi-polar disorder... go figure.... would you think maybe now that i can feel the mania coming on.... ok when my daughter was leaving this morning she actually came into the bedroom where i was and said "mother would you stop being so manic and come out here and eat with us?!" yea so mania anorexia anyone?
i am so bizzy i don't know if i lost my horse or found a rope...!
happy new year.... welcome to the year of the rabbit.....s.....

all three of us have been soooooooo sick with some kind of funk! coughing coughing coughing! the issue with bob has escalated to a point that i really didn't foresee... sounds strange to say it out loud but i really didn't see this coming... my hell! not again!
i have got to get to al anon! the boy totally stubbed his toe this last week everything seem to have been spiraling downward...
i going to get us all to Deanna's today....!

yeah so i have been panicking all day... was slightly productive and was sorta able to push past it... the stress is getting to me... yeah one more story from the life of horrors! readers beware... the following information may be disturbing....
in 2003 i found myself a victim of a very frighting situation of domestic violence! star was born after i got out... she has only seen her father a handful of times... he is insisting to take her for Christmas she just keep saying "no thanks dad, i don't want to go"
and he has turned into his usual insane rage-aholic self .... she is so freaking out... grrrrr! it's all going to get so much better very soon.....! Please God!

sometimes i just get tired of talking about it... but i guess that is what journaling is all about? getting it out?! well first the good news i started work saturday it was good to come home with money in my pocket...
now the bad news... we had our health insurance canceled because of my sons income... yes that is right my son at the age of 16 makes too much money for us to qualify for low income health benefits... the taxes filed for his social security number in a town 5 hrs from here put us over the income limit...
how does a 16 yr old boy who is a full time student with no car work make that much money in a city 5 hrs away you may ask? yeah that is what i asked.... "well obviously someone is using his social security number illegally, so go home and call these credit agencies... file a police report... and call the number of the place where the number is being used...." "so you are telling me there is nothing you can do?!" "that's right... go home... "
the police told us the same thing.... go home and good luck...
anyone who thinks illegals are not ruining our country just hasn't had their turn to wake up yet...

ok i have tried to keep the lunatics mostly about my meds but i have to share the worst day ever! yes i know what you are thinking.... yes seriously the worse ever...
we were at the pharmacy haggling with the pharmacist about whether or not my insurance was going to cover some penicillin and an amazingly kind soul paid for our meds... in front of a store full of people... seriously i just didn't have money with me... i really could have handled it...i can't believe i didn't hit the floor... i thought i was going to seize up!!!
weird, he is probably somewhere feeling pretty good about himself... me? i am the biggest loser! why is it so much harder to receive than to give?! ouch!

ok i'm happy now! i have my loving computer spouse back! my life might be one train wreck after another but i must have my laptop... seriously!
yeah so i try to stick to the subject of my health here on lunatics... but i have one question... when do i decided that a relationship is an unfair one? and once i decide that, what do i do about it?
when i have done and done and done for these people and they stubbornly do nothing for me...? wth?! i am in need of a miracle this Christmas... how 'bout the miracle is that the ones who are perfectly healthy do something to help themselves... would that be to much to ask for? in this family it would be a miracle indeed!

ok just a quick update... my computer crashed.... ahhhhh!
i have had a head ache for 3 days now... i can't think of anything besides this headache and Barnaby dumped me! ):

i realize i have been pretty tight lipped about what is going on here... my hell! how to cope? i have taken myself off my fiorecet completely and am only taking the xanax very randomly....?! sticking to 50 mg morning and night of lamictal.... i didn't make it to al anon last thursday and no meeting on thanksgiving.... i can feel myself bracing against this wind... when will the wind stop blowing like this?
it seems like the wind is always blowing..... it is howling outside... i can hear it!

headache.... again? seriously!? why do i have to live my life with a headache?!

my heck, i am trying to keep up! i am finally over the flu.... i started work today... it was good to be back... i am holding at 50mg morning and night... i have been "reducing" for a year and am somewhat very irritated now that is occurs to me that i am addicted.... i never set out to be an addict... i just thought i was following my dr.s advice...! grrrrrr! that's what i get for listening to a "practicing physician" yeah go practice on someone else!...
it may take me a minute to come up with a game plan but i am determined to be clean and sober by next summer....! (i have learned to give myself time... set goals out there and if it happens sooner i am happy!)

ok i just realized i haven't documented anything for all most 2 weeks... how did it all get so far out of control?! i have been so sick! flu bug from hell! my poor kids! i hate when we are sick! still holding at 50mg morning and night.... ahhhhh! i can feel myself quiver under the shear weight of my life! i am clinging to dear life... i do nothing but slather myself in oil....
everyone i know is sick i need to share some recipes blessings...! god give me strength!

ok happy day! really yesterday was amazing! finally cps dropped it's case against me... how the government could come up with charges against me because my son is beyond my control is way out of my realm of comprehension! how ever crazy and out of control it was, it's over now! thank you God i survived it!
now i am deciding on a way to celebrate... so happy today! (:

back to court today... my attorney just called and said to be there before 1... grrrrrr! i am tired of the government being involved in my life! i told mellie this morning that it's all going to pay off when i write my book on how... and i make millions, she said yeah mom do it... so as soon as i am done living thru my train wreck of a life i will write about it...
i tell myself i am going to just ignore it, till i start to hear loud ringing in my ears and feel a twitch in my neck and i think "oh my hell i am going to hit the floor"
but i haven't yet so i am surviving today!

ok i do nothing but eat food and this morning i am below 130... so yesterday my son was sitting on his bed when i tried to walk past him to go into his closet... "what is that smell? all that stuff does not belong on the floor!" without getting off the bed he put out his left arm and blocked me without much effort at all really... yes most of my life i have been maybe too thin...
he maybe big and strong, but me and star put him too shame yesterday with some yoga moves and a small yoga ball (tennis ball size) oh yeah he was so in awe, he wouldn't even try... ok so i am the too skinny too flexible mom.... hmmmmm, what does that mean? what does it all mean? when i start to stress out about not knowing how to be a single mom to a grown up 16yr old boy who is waaaaaay bigger than me, i just remember that it's just another phase, i never knew how to be a mom anyway... right?

ok i wanted to make a note about what has been going on... my friend rayna has talked me into going vegan... i see it as a good opportunity to cleanse and in an attempt to get off these prescription meds.... so i have been changing my diet and watching my sugar.... i have been feeling much better using natural methods to deal with my health...
i made a post of the last time i came close to a seizure, and i need to mention that it happened again last night...
i suddenly realize that i am not struggling with my epilepsy without meds, it occurred to me that i am addicted to these meds i have been on for 5 years now... how can i be having withdrawal from prescription meds? how is it legal that medical doctors are able to give me meds that i will become addicted to? what planet are we on?
so now i am switching gears and addressing my reduction of meds from a point of an addict?! help me God!
will be doing a lot of praying!

i have never posted anything on my lunatics! except my own writings but read this and see what i am going through....!

ok i narrowly avoided a full on seizure last night and the boy watched me do it... i forgot my pill yesterday morning, the two of them are out of school for fall break and i have been crazy busy running after them, not to mention the stress of having everyone here the long weekend...
but i am happy to have the boy see me deal with it... over the last week i have seen him have panic attacks and when i try to talk him thru it he just rolls his eyes, but last night we really had a break through and i feel like he is seeing that i have learned how to push through and it might be something he wants to know...
just staying in the now....!

ahhhhhhhh! i feeling i am always rushing to keep up with the two of them! i have always said, i can do 2 kids, i have 2 eyes, 2 ears, 2 hands, 2 feet, 2 sides of my brian, i mean brain... but now this is harder than i remember.... maybe if i didn't have children with sociopaths i would not have to be a physiologist/pharmacist/ sociologist/ therepist (i think i might be getting pist) hehe, to mother them.... or no now it is called 'non compliance disorder" the boy's attorney said "doesn't every teen aged boy have that?
hell we are packing like crazy to move into the "hand-me-down house" and melanie and dave and griffin decided to come for fall break... they will be here in 2 hrs...... again i say, ahhhhh! cleaning packing, cleaning packing....... homecoming football game tomorrow night.....
to do list:
1. keep company feed and entertained
2. keep babies from killing themselves or others
3. keep the boy sober.....
easy peasy lemon squeezy! (;
i am really going to try to get to al anon tonight.... i am praying for that to happen!