ok it was not a cold, it is allergies! so bad all i can do is want to kill myself! my head itches, my face itches, i can't stop sneezing, my nose won't stop running! ahhhhhhhhh! i am violently angry i am so frustrated! i have been trying to pack all day. we are gonna leave in the morning to go to st. george for spring break. i made star two night gowns today for her vacation! she is so very excited and all i want to do it die!
i have taken 50 mg am and 75mg pm every night this week, i have a bite on the inside of my cheek, i think i had some kind of a seizure at some point in the last 24 hrs........

ok, just one more day and star and i will be off to st. george for spring break! i have a headache, this is the second day! i sorta have that feeling like i am getting sick, a cold i mean.......i have been soaking myself in thieves and taking emergen C.
i was trying to reduse to 50 mg in the morning but it was too much......the panic and the mania was bothering me! so i went back to 75 am and pm..... then last night i forgot to take a pill at all...... which means i am ready to reduce further. i think it was the stress, things seem to be leveling out for the moments so i will try a 50mg this morning, see how that goes........

i am having a really hard time keeping up! i went to burrows and saw a dr..... can't remember his name, who gave me the same diagnosis, juvienial myo clonic epilesy. i was feeling really hopeful to go but now i feel a huge let down. i don't know why i thought i would hear something new or better but i guess that was what i was hoping. i am continuing on my schedule to reduce my lamictal and i am having a hard time remembering if i am doing worse or better! i am taking 50mg in the morning and 75 at night. i am having a few more tics (myo clonic jerking) i am have a great deal more panic that i am dealing with everyday. the dr. said that is the epilesy itself. "to go thru life every day not knowing what will happen next is very scary and panic is very common!" i don't know why dr's think that to know that my suffering is explainable should make me feel better! anyway i am off to start my day.........i woke up in a panic so thought i should make a quick note, i am determined to hold it together! Heavenly Father please be with me today!

so much craziness going on, i can't keep up! last Saturday i went to chandler to get the boy out of rehab and sent him to Mexico with his father! Sunday and Monday were both beyond hard, i have stuck with 75mg morning and night. i went tuesday for an eeg at the hospital in showlow and i will go tomorrow to burrows in phx to see my new dr.

i so obviously i gave up on the post a day idea..... but i will take a minute to update, even though i have been crazy busy. which is way more exhausting than just being crazy! so i finally got dr nichols to call in a persciption for lamictal for me. he called in 100 mg. twice a day.... good thing i have spent the last 3 months reducing since my dr. was ready to just cut me by a third over night! jackass! so now i am down to 75mg twice a day with no side effects. my sleep patterns are much more normal, my panic is down by 75% and the rash on my back, neck and shoulders is gone..... now i will go down to 50mg in the am and 75mg @ night, we will see how things go.....
still daily nonsense with the boy, lawyers, court, cps, the dad, blah blah blah more later......s

amazingly the boy's father has shown up out of nowhere and decided to step up to the plate and take a turn..... we are moving quickly to get all the legal bullshit gone so that he can be cleared to go to mexico with the dud i mean dad.....
to catch up with what has been happening with my meds...... i am now down to 75mg lamictal twice a day.... it has not been easy, but at this point i feel much better. my rash is gone but has left scars which i hope are temporary. i am still very random in my thought process and forgetful but my panic has reduced by 100%! i am sleeping better and i can feel my body trying to detox
i just now took a really hot bath, hoping to leach out some of the toxicity from years of meds...... the sweat from the steam burned my skin and when i got out i was overcome with insane itching..... feeling better now tho....
my glands in my neck are swollen and sore! i keep drinking water to try to flush out what ever they are choked up with........
thinks are progressing in every good way!

more of the same...... sticking to my schedual, so much is changing so fast with the boy! i will have to update later.... i am so overwhelmed and exused i must go to bed and try to dream of a less complicated life!

one more day... but a little less stress, i can see the light at the end of the tunnel! still committed to reducing meds! i went to the dr. today to schedual more tests.... yay me! i love being hooked up to electrical devices! it makes me feel like a syborge on star trek......

i have not had anything to say for a few days! i have been over whelmed with court for my son! i am sticking to my alternating reducing schedule, today was 75mg am and 150mg of lamictal pm. i had to take a xanax just now, it is almost 11pm and i cant seem to relax. i have a dr. appt. tomorrow and will get be getting all new labs and eeg's, mri's, everything new to take to the burrows institute of neurology at St. Joes in Phoenix...... we will see what happens.
i have started taking cayenne pepper twice a day to assist with the detox, i am really feeling soooooo much better physically, but my mind is still really foggy

yesterday was a headache fog, i did 75/75. today i will do 75/150 and see how it goes no headache now, feeling a little shaky thought....

i woke up with a head ache! well i don't know if i woke up with it or if it struck hard and fast when i saw more and more and more snow out my bedroom window! 75mg lamictal, 300mg fioricet...... and it is only 9am......
it is now 9:30pm and i am glad it is almost over! today was a really hard day! lots of panic, it seems to be worse the day after 75/75. i took a xanax about noon.
star and i took out all of our art stuff and spent the day doing calligraphy. i wanted to work on my photography blog but my computer is not cooperating at all! today is the straw that broke the camels back! i am getting a new a new computer! mania always brings on cleaning frenzies, followed by the need to get new stuff! cycle after cycle after cycle, all the randomness is becoming so predictable!
here is hoping that tomorrow is easier to cope with! it should be better i just took 150mg. and am doing some writing before i try to get some sleep. an attempt to get off my hamster wheel might help! i am tired of the snow and all the chaos in the world is bothering me! i don't deal with thousands of people suffering in haiti! i can't not really feel hurt by it! God help us!

oh my friggen hell! i have been waiting weeks for my dr. to come up with a neurologist for me to see, since my old neurologist left the country on charges of inappropriate sexual conduct with a paceint. the jackass actually left the country! which i guess makes sense! this country is filled with hypocrites! why would i care if my drug dealer screws his other users? i have no delusions that he was going to cure me, i just need drugs. now i have to go thru hell to find someone else who has jumped thru enuf hoops to prescribe drugs in this over medicated country!
so finally my dr.s assist calls today to say that she found a group who will take me, but i need all new labs, eegs, mri's, cat scans and what ever other test they can dream up...........
could i please just die now? when will marijuana be legal in az!?
run down on todays meds as follows.....75mg lamictal 9 am, headache by 10, took 300mg fioricet, felt better briefly. cft for colt at 12 where he was told he will most likely go back to jail for running from rehab.....xanax at 2 and so goes an other day!!!
i decided to i would sell my soul to get back to st. geo! how does one get in touch with the devil?
so now we have reached the end of star's second snow day.... we are starting to get cabin fever which has no signs of letting up. they have already canceled school for tomorrow. we are snowed in in every direction, already 4 ft on the rim! there is no way off this mountain and it is supposed to keep snowing till sunday. ahhhhhhh ! 75mgs pm and i am off to bed........

i felt better today, no headache, still sorta dingy....75mg am 75mg pm maybe i am starting to level out?........

another headache! 75mg am 150mg pm.......

it is 8pm on monday, star stayed in her pj's all day i think she was needing a day off! i took 75 mgs of lamictal at 8 and just took 150 mg. i decided it best to spend a week alternating full doses and half evening doses and see how that goes. i took just a half last night and felt fine all day dispite the phone call of my son yesterday....... and on and on and on it goes......

i guess i didn't have anything to say yesterday.... it is all kind of a blur! apparently so many pain pills take a few days to ware off..... 75mg this morning, off to church.....
so now it is 8:30, yay almost bed time! while we were at church my son called. i think i said he is back in rehab, it is all really painful stuff! but i am glad i got to talk to him, this is the first time since he has been back
anyway the pain meds are starting to wear off and i am feeling more like my own randomly insane self. i am able to go longer and longer between doses before i start to feel it. usually the numbness in my mouth is the first thing i notice. but see now it is almost 11 hrs since my am 75mg, when just last week i couldn't go 8 hrs until i had to take an other 75mg.
did any of that make sense? just because i am not detoxing so hard, doesn't mean i am any less retarded! (:

migraine! meds as usual!? i don't get it! well it is not 10:30, the migraine is well hiden under layers of painkillers and i am off to bed.....

ok the stress of just being me has me wrapped in such an impenetrable FUNK today i can't begin to shake it! as far as the idea of weaning off of the lamictal.... my rash is so much better and i have not had a head ache in days. on the other hand, racing thoughts and ongoing panic is hard to deal with!
Saturday my son called. Tuesday dec. 29 he ran away from the lock down drug rehab center where he has been for a court ordered stay of 90days. So after no word at all for 11 days, he calls to say he had been arrested, was at that point in cps custody and is being taken back to rehab.
meanwhile my skin crawls, my head pounds, i can see the individual molecules of the solid objects around me spin and dance. spots and sparkles dominate my vision, the walls wave, and panic floods my world........
i took my first 75mg at 7 and am on my way to take a xanax before gather the courage to kill myself......
now it is 9pm, once i finished my last update i got busy and forgot to take a xanax. i obviously lived thru the rest of the day. a dear friend of mine called and invited me to go to our alanon group! i am glad i went, i feel better, i am going to take one more dose of 75mg of lamictal and try to get some sleep!

manic! crazy manic! i can't sleep and i am insane with spinning thoughts! right now it is 2am. 75mg yesterday am i was ok all day, by afternoon i was feeling very panicked and aggitated! i took a xanax at about 5 which didn't really help. i took my other 75mg at 8, i was so crazy aggravated, i took another 75mg about 30min later and passed out. now it is 2 and i am back up!
i will try alternating days of 75mg twice a day then 75mg three times a day!
ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhh! it sucks being me!!!

Today was much the same as yesterday, I took my 75 mg in the morning when I woke up. By 5 o'clock I was feeling dizzy and panicked again. I can tell in my sentences, my words are slightly slurred. I took a xanx about 6 and that helped with the panic, and have been drinking alot of water. I feel very very thirsty. I will take my next 75 mg right now (at 10 pm) and go to bed