i called my bank's 800 number today and informed the guy who answered their phone that if they don't stop taking fees out of my account that i can't afford i am coming to their local branch and killing myself in their lobby.... oddly enough he refunded all the fees and fixed my account so that it won't happen again..... i am finding that living a life of honesty is really starting to pay off! (;

ok finally some thing good to report..... my month long headache is gone.....! (: yay for survival and thanks for the prayers! something weird though,,,, i am completely panic stricken today.... no reason, everything normal, just panic...... i am just making a note to compare with my meds changing....... it's so fun to be me! i went to the college and took a compass placement test for english and scored a 96 on reading and 91 on writing...... i was wondering if it might have scored higher if i hadn't taken the test during my marathon headache.... i actually wore sunglasses during the test, how crazy am i?

i am on headache day..... 14 or 15 i am starting to lose count..... i went to the walk in clinic yesterday and my dr. told me to stop taking everything...... just stop right now... WTF? i knew it all along, but is official my dr. is stupider than me! suddenly stopping anti seizure meds could put me into a seizure which could kill me.......
i am going back down to barrow's...... "oh my hell!" is going to be the name of my book!

i wanted to get down a few thoughts before they are gone from my mind forever....... i had to sit down yesterday and answer a thousand questions about how often i have seizures, what meds i take how often i take them, what they do to me and on and on and on until my predominate thought was death and i couldn't stop it!
i cried and sobbed and felt sorry for myself, i felt angry and alone and finally rage! i attached myself to the rage and hung on to it all day..... finally when i was done and got everything in the mail, i stopped at the pharmacy for a refill and a really hot muscle bound tattooed guy hit on me for 20 minutes till my prescription was ready and then watched me go to my car. 1o yrs ago i would have been tempted, but i have sworn off testosterone saturated men! i am waiting for my dentist! i am done with adrenaline junkies and i am addicted to getting my teeth cleaned! FOCUS FOCUS! i am determined to stay focused, but still it was flattering and made my day better...... ! (:

ok i am on headache day 6..... my whole life is beginning to feel like a blur and the only thing i can remember is having a headache! i loved my birthday though, headache and all. i spent it with my lovely toni, she took me out to eat mexican food for my birthday, then i made her salmon, broccoli and baked potatoes for her birthday! (toni's birthday was the 31st)
i have paperwork to turn into the school tomorrow, and star goes back to school on wednesday.... where did summer go? it never even got hot up here........

i went to the college today and met with a counselor whom i told "i want a degree in physiology, i have a form of epilepsy....i am not retarded, i am bright, i am hardworking, you get federal money to help the disabled, you're gonna help me or i will get an attorney and sue you for discrimination!"
i was shocked at her response..... "we can so do this! take these forms and fill them out, bring them back and we will get to work! your gonna do great!" i don't know what i expected but that was not it......
(my daughter and i had a discussion this week, she lovingly told me "mom rage is a great place to be, it is where things get done! get pissed and make it happen! you can do it!)
crazy crazy craziness! stay tuned! (:

my sisters are with out a doubt a coven of witches!

ok i decide i would take an extra 50ml a day for a few days....... best to be safe....! am feeling a bit manic already and no one is even here yet, mel and the baby boy will be here tonight!

today seems to be wednesday.... this weekend alot of family will be gathering here for the 24 of july. apparently "the saints" reached the salt lake valley on the 24th of july and the prophet declared "this is the place." so the 24th is celebrated in lds communities with parades, BBQ, dances, and rodeos..... (in utah it is a state holiday, the banks, schools, post offices, everything shuts down) it is a fun little custom, sorta i guess. every tribe has it's customs and rituals, it is the thing that social groups are made of, at this point i understand that and i realize that people have to have their reasons to get together, yeah i get it!
but the last grand mal seizure i had was on the 24th of july. my parents owned a home which was on the parade route and the streets were lined with people, some idiot found me having a seizure and called 911 and they drove me in a ambulance in front of the parade to the er..... ahhhh! it sounds worse now that i say it out loud...... i think i am gonna throw up. brb

i am about to share some girlie girl information, so if you don't want tmi girl info stop reading now.... when i gave birth to star in 04,.... well both before then and after....there were complications and i had to have some unwanted, live saving, life long damage causing, procedures done,... so long story short because of damage, my girl time of the month was going longer than the usual 3 to 4 days, then it started lasting longer... then longer, then it was lasting longer then the rest of the month put together... so last year i had a procedure done called "thermal ablation" which i won't go into to many gross girl details but because of swirling boiling hot water, my uterus no longer prepares itself for a baby and it no longer gets rid of those preparatory materials.
but sometimes my body forgets we are not doing that anymore and still has cramps and i still get randomly cranky..... it is so weird when that happens i have to remember that my ovaries and my body chemistry is still going on the old game plan..... (message to self- WE ARE NOT HAVING PERIODS ANYMORE!) i am finding a midol!

ok so we went to see the last air bender. the boy picked it, he and i have gone on little mom and boy dates a few times since he came back from the duds but this is the first time he felt ready to see the baby. it was so cute she held his hand thru the whole movie and when he saw how she struggled to sit still thru the grown up and boring to a 5 yr old girl story line, he promised to take her to see toy story 3 for our next family night! huge step for a 16 year old boy to recognize how someone else has sacrificed their happiness for his own and promise to do the same in return! big steps!
he is staying at a group home up on the mountain, and asked if his room mate could come "just so he can get out of the house" i wanted to say no, so star and i could have him all to ourselves, but that little voice whispered yes...... (so i wore my new hippy skirt found in jerome last week and my longest dangle earrings) and as we sit down to wait for the movie to start i hear the friend whisper to the boy "i like your mom, she reminds me of my grandmother, she's a gypsy" i smiled to myself thinking he was using the word meaning a tree hugger or a hippy. but when we were having burgers after the movie, the friend told us his story, his grandmother immigrated from romainia and was an actual nomadic gypsy... he was abbandoned by his mother up on the mountain..... i think the universe has placed my son where he is learning how life looks to people other than the spoiled over indulged generation he has grown up with....... thank you Heavenly Father!
i wanted to mention, i thought it was cute that he had to brag to his friend that when star was born he named her star.... i felt really grateful that the universe has put him in a position to see and appreciate what he has been given......

i am teetering at 50mg morning and 50 mg of lamictal @night. i am aware of my brain struggling to relearn to communicate with itself..... this summer has been very busy and emotionally charged! today i am off to take my boy and my baby to see a movie, it sounds easy enuf but it is real mile stone! more details on that whole deal later.
i have been very shaky this whole week, not emotionally shaky, i mean physically shaking hands and muscles.... i feel myself being more and more dependent on my fiorecet. which is what was to be expected, my brain is searching for another crutch as it is slowly learning to not rely on the lamictal....
i stumbled on a charlie rose 10 part special on understanding the brain on pbs. amazing stuff! i just caught episode 9......

so i gave up on being manic at home and just ran away instead! (sorry carpets) running away is one of my favorite things to do! going back is the hard part.... as i am getting closer and closer to being drug free i am feeling more and more like the real me and less like the i'm so drugged i can lie about life me..... which is good for me but not so good for those around me who try to hide from the truth of their lives.... or lies, which ever is the appropriate word for what they live! i am thanking God for toni! i know i would not have made it through this week without her taking care of me everyday!
i am feeling a real amount of accountability! friggen doctors are stupid! being without star all week i have had way to much time to think, and if i had decided now was the time to check out, it would be easy enough.......if giving a crazy person enough drugs to kill themselves is considered good medicine, i can see it is past time for me to medicate myself....... did that make any sense?........since i don't know what i am talking about, i guess it does.......

well the lemon water has worked wonders! it goes along with my theory that God has given us every thing we need on this earth to heal ourselves if we just look. well it may sound like i am having complete thought processes, but i am feeling a little flaky lately! i had sorta like a really weird week and i have having to focus on not missing too many pills. i am having that cleansing too fast feeling. i don't know how to describe it..... just some really weird thoughts.....for instance it occurred to me that i am clairvoyant, as in able to read others thoughts but i think the problem is i don't share a common language with very many people.... is that crazy enuf for ya'? trying to stick to 50/50 at least three days a week... i maybe getting a little scary around here! (: am feeling some what manic, will be cleaning the carpets this week.....!

i swear every post starts with..... ok so, my entire life is one run on sentence! but i have sorta decided to go in another direction, or the same direction i guess i was going before i my kidney took it upon itself to sabotage my life.....
back to the idea of going off the lamictal, i have been accidentally skipping doses... so obviously my body is ready to reduce more. i think the thing that is happening with my kidney is this......when a person stops poisoning their body, suddenly your body is able to stop using all it's energy reserves to maintain daily living and it frees up energy with which you body will begin to cleanse itself.
so i think that is what has happened that my body is suddenly releasing built up toxins (every thing you put into your body is either used up for energy or stored, so any foreign matter such as chemicals or drugs you come in contact with eventually your body needs to dump it or it turns into fat or worse cancer) so i believe it is these toxins which are getting clogged up in my kidney and making me nauseous every day.
ok so, with all of these ideas in mind, what is happening now is the lamictal is going along about 50mg morning and night about three days a week and only 50mg in the morning the other two days....... and to move forward with the lemon idea i am drinking just fresh juices one day and then eat only fruits and veges the next day for the next week or so to try to change my body's acid balance, speed up cleansing....... we'll see how this goes, my main concern i losing weight, i am struggling to stay above 130 right now......

so his advice to "drink lemon aid" has worked wonders! of course it didn't pay off his boat as i am sure his first plan of action would have done! but i feel so much better and that is the miracle i prayed for! Thank you Heavenly Father!

hi there! i am home, gosh what a long day! i am going to get down quickly what happened today, i am exhausted and i just took a percocet so please bare with me, i want to get it documented before i wake up in the morning and it is all a blur......
we drove down to mesa to see this "team of specialist" first off i was the only person in the office under the age of 110! creepy! so i give them at the front desk the "film of my cat scan" which was about 200 lbs of x ray pictures, and i wait in the waiting room while they look at it and then i am called back and taken into an examining room to discuss their "findings"
the walls are covered with medical pictures of the insides of peoples bodies showing their bladders, kidneys etc...... gross and creepy and i am starting to panic. i will not sit on any of the chairs or set my stuff down on any thing and the dr. comes in to find me putting hand sanitizer on my hands.
so he sits down and condescendingly says "tell me" i quickly sum up where it hurts how long it has been hurting and what my general practitioner has done thus far. he just keeps saying "uhhh haaa" so i ask he if he looked at my film..... he looks at me and hesitates. so i try to make a joke, "yeah i tried to look at them and the only thing which looked like me at all was the side view from my shoulder to my hip, which i am going to make my new fb profile photo"
he laughed at that and said as he drew on a dry erase board, "you see your kidney is shaped like this, the outside ring is muscle, the inside is where kidney stones usually cling to the walls until they let go and are funneled down thru this tube into your bladder. all of your stones are up here in the muscle where i can't get at them with the blasting sound waves procedure, so we will go in with this scope and put in a stint which will stay there for 7 to 10 days. we will do a laser burning procedure which would get them out, if they were where i could get to them. but since they are up in the muscle i am not sure i will be able to get at them but will try it and see what happens."
i said "no you will not." he looks at me and says "i will not what?" i said, "i am not going to some hospital to be exposed to germs that could kill me, for you to violate me in every horrifying way you can think of, put foreign objects in my body and leave them there for a week or ten days for reasons you can't even explain in the the hopes of results that you don't even pretend to guarantee."
he was speechless! i asked him, "what is causing my body to make these kidneys stones in the first place?" he had no answer, more than that he was stunned by the question. the conversation went on and on getting now where. he even brought in another dr. to try to talk me into it..... i will try to remember more details tomorrow
but i want to get down the moment the day finally struck a spiritual cord...... i get back into the car and am relating all this to my dad. let me back up little.... i had made plans with my mom to drive me down, my dad is notoriously unsympathetic and i didn't want to spend the day with him when i already didn't feel good. don't get me wrong i adore my dad beyond words but when a girl hurts she just wants her mommy no matter how old she is, but a little twist of fate mom couldn't make the trip so at the last minute it was me and dad.
so i was telling dad blow by blow how i rocked that smarty pants dr.s world by refusing to submit.... and dad says "that is what killed my mother,......... mama had cervical cancer and the dr.s just gave her radiation treatments, till they burnt her up...... they are just 'practicing medicine' that is all they are doing now, that is what they want to do to you, they don't know what they are doing or what it will do to you."
it was my turn to be stunned, this is my gramma sarah. she died in paris texas in 1956......
i live my everyday on such a spiritual level, i forget to eat, i don't buy new clothes until i am forced (which dad was under strict instructions to get to a mall today and i came home with a pair of brown ballet flat crocs!) i believe everything existed before and i believe it will all continue to exist after we are "dead" from this world as we know it. the veil between this life and the next is very thin for me, i have spent many night on my knee asking God to let me out of here so i can come home..... but still i live. i tell myself to try to understand the reasons..... i am convinced there is a reason, specific things i am to accomplish.
i just try to put it all together, whilst trying not to be violated by modern civilization.....
i my own lame interpretation of my experiences of the last 3 months..... i will be getting some gramma sarah life stories written down and drinking gallons of lemon water to pass these kidneys stones by myself........ stay tuned!

believe it or not i really am tired of hearing myself complain, but things are looking up! tomorrow finally i am seeing urologist in mesa, so i have high hope this daily kidney pain is nearing an end. i am still at 50/50 am and pm. changes are on the horizon.....i dreamed last night i was in a house with a dirt floor (to dream of a house under construction is an omen of unexpected gain!)

ok i went to see my dr. about the cat scan done last week of my right kidney..... yay me i have 8 to 10 small kidney stones in my kidney..... i will go to the valley next week to see a urologist next week.
really really really rough week! aside from the shaking and headaches from stress, i am holding at 50 mg. am and pm. i am really glad i have kept a journal so i can read my back entries and remember why i am doing this....... i am feeling very frustrated! not just because of my situation, it is a chemical change. i have gone thru it enuf times to know it when i see it! i am starting to not feel like me anymore. well i am the really angry and illogical me who i don't want to be. and giving birth to a kidney stone every other day is not making this any easier!
i really am past the suicidal thoughts which i knew at the time, were not my own. and now i am just at the point that it sucks to be me so bad that i am forgetting the point of going on.......
holding holding holding on!
i am off to get star out of the tub and get her to bed, then i will 2 more percocets and a promethazine...... i hate drugs! i don't see how people become addicted! grrrrrrrrr!

sunday night, tomorrow is the start of star's last week of school....... this last week was a hard one! i was glad to spend time with my daughter and grandbaby, but it was hard to see them go! i miss st. george, i want out of taylor. i keep going to dr. appointments, i keep going to group, i keep reminding my self that i have given it to God, and i keep telling myself that i knew this was going to be a tough row to hoe when i started on it....... i just want things to be different now not later.......... hope hope hope is what i live on everyday and watch for the path God is preparing for me..........
still doing 50/50, and the oils dr. nichols gave me are making me sick......... i don't like being nauseous every day it is very bad for my moral!