another whole week of headache! no wait it gets better! the beginning of last week i called my pharmacy for a refill of my lamictal.... last friday they still had nothing ready i told them i only had enough pill to get me through the weekend. so monday they told me that my insurance suddenly decided they would not pay for them... a drug i have been on for 5 yrs... suddenly they don't cover it?! so many dr. appointments and phone calls later i finally pick up my meds yesterday afternoon. so before last night my last dose was sunday night... not really a fun way to start off the week... a week of flashing lights and waving walls! lots of small muscle jerks and loud noises ringing in my ears.....!
so this morning other than my headache i am feeling back to normal, well as normal as i ever get... i guess a headache is the norm lately....! ahhhh! yay for being me! we survived one more week.... well almost...!

headache day 6... or is it 7? it is all starting to blur together! i guess i will go to the walk in clinic tonight and try to get a shot... of something... ok this is it i have to make an appointment and go back down to barrow's.... i am so tired of being wired up and having my brain waves mapped and analyzed! grrrrrrr! i am about tired of being me! holding on till november!

panic panic panic! what am i panicking about? who knows? who cares really! a crazy person doesn't need a reason! (: i am sticking to 50 mgs. morning and night.... i can't decide if i am going to have a heart attack or just throw up......

absolutely incredible full moon the past few nights! i can't sleep during a full moon..... yeah they don't call us lunatics for nothing! so basically i stay up all night and struggle with a monster headache all day...... i have been so jacked by the universe recently i have forgotten to take my pill 4 times this week..... which obviously made matters way worse! i am back on track..... well sorta
star has a part in the primary program at church yesterday..... i think i have the boy talked into coming with me.... "all they do at that church is try to brain wash you!" he says.... "well, who the hell doesn't want to be brain washed? (didn't you see igor?! i totally want to be brain washed!) look at all the stupid choices you have made.... hell! look at the horrible choices i have made! just go and get some ideas! once you decide what not to do ..... then you can decide what to do! i will take my camera and put some pictures on my blessings..... (i am not sure cameras are aloud in church..... but that is just how i roll.... that's right stop me before i kill!) lame i know! but who is to argue with me.....i have found that most people are scared of crazy people.....! (;

ok look! i am not going to stop losing weight if i don't stop feeling nauseous all the time! what the hell is my problem?! i just left my dr who thinks i am doing a great job? how is this great? is everyone who comes in 200 lbs over weight and looking for a way to lose weight? this is not great and i am starting to get scared!

i guess i should try to continue documenting what is going on even though it is not quite what would want it to be......the boy has been back with us for a little over a week, and i think the honeymoon period might be close to over.....
i am sticking to 50mgs morning and night..... i seem to have had at least two seizures of some sort since he has been here.... not that anyone has noticed, but i have had substantial bites in my mouth...... grrrrrrr! i have lost over 10lbs and am now much thinner than i would like.....grrrrrr! star keeps wetting the bed and keeps trying to mentally process how to regroup as a family.....grrrrrr!
i love having my son with me, but at this stage in his recovery.....he is like a giant infant, he did nothing but follow me thru the house till i got him into school, now when he is home, all i hear is "look at me, talk to me, pay attention to me" my poor star is feeling quite eclipsed! i can only be determined to help him push through to a place where he will have enough self esteem to sustain him and feel confident enough in his support system to have outside interests.....!
his ride to his support group just called and canceled so my plans of spending my evening with star and going to al anon are out, and i will be spending my whole evening driving to showlow, i will take star with me and we will go out to dinner and pretend it is a girls night out......"help me God" seems to be my mantra of my every minute!

ok i am going back to tuscon to get the boy tomorrow and he is coming back here with us........this is gonna be great! i feel good, i feel great, i feel wonderful! (:

doing better...... back up to 50 mg morning and night....... when i decided to rush off to deanna's i forgot today is a holiday so we will be going up the mountain for a picnic and to play in the creek! yay for hiking! it will be easy to stay in the now today! i am a hillbilly at heart! (:

had a really full on break down last night...... scary.....! i had reduced to 30mg morning and night.... obviously not ready for that.....
i have not talked much about what has gone on with my son over the last 2 yrs, i did mention that he went with his dad, but i need to share some over whelming information..... i am a strong believer of..... better out than in......!
when i made the decision to leave utah in '07 it was due to the fact that my son had started doing drugs and running away, shoplifting, stealing from me, i think the usual behavior of a boy who experienced a broken home.....
so 3yrs and 3 months later, time of ongoing nonsense..... he had a breakdown on tuesday.... i made a mad rush to get him into a physiological evaluation center in tucson that night (i came to the conclusion that highway 77 from showlow to tucson is the highway to hell!)
i thought i had been really suffering over the last 20 yrs being chemically imbalanced and electronically mis wired but now to see my children suffer with the same brain makeup as me.... friggen hell! ouch!
i tell myself that the medical information and the daily coping skills that i have learned.... well i feel the Lord has prepared me to help them....... i keep going to al anon every week, i have a prayer in my heart and in my thoughts every minute of everyday.... they say you can't beg the universe..... i think what i am doing is probably more like pestering endlessly... "God where are you?! God please bless us with the things that thou doest see that we stand in need of...."
we have a child and family team meeting on tuesday...... (have been blessed with a wonderful support group at the community counseling center in showlow and child protective services have been very evolved in helping me deal with his issues...... we have to decide on tuesday where to go from here, being an evaluation center and not a long term treatment center he will be ready to leave on thursday and we have to have a plan.......God help me!
i keep writing and hope that someday it will turn into something that can help others who struggle......
i tell myself that the journey is the destination and try to stay in the now.... today i will be doodling some celtic knots (art therapy) and violently cleaning.... i will limit my cleaning to the bathroom so i don't purge out my closets of everything i own.......coping coping coping.... i can so do this! (mantras help!)
monday i will be calling deanna......!

i called my bank's 800 number today and informed the guy who answered their phone that if they don't stop taking fees out of my account that i can't afford i am coming to their local branch and killing myself in their lobby.... oddly enough he refunded all the fees and fixed my account so that it won't happen again..... i am finding that living a life of honesty is really starting to pay off! (;

ok finally some thing good to report..... my month long headache is gone.....! (: yay for survival and thanks for the prayers! something weird though,,,, i am completely panic stricken today.... no reason, everything normal, just panic...... i am just making a note to compare with my meds changing....... it's so fun to be me! i went to the college and took a compass placement test for english and scored a 96 on reading and 91 on writing...... i was wondering if it might have scored higher if i hadn't taken the test during my marathon headache.... i actually wore sunglasses during the test, how crazy am i?

i am on headache day..... 14 or 15 i am starting to lose count..... i went to the walk in clinic yesterday and my dr. told me to stop taking everything...... just stop right now... WTF? i knew it all along, but is official my dr. is stupider than me! suddenly stopping anti seizure meds could put me into a seizure which could kill me.......
i am going back down to barrow's...... "oh my hell!" is going to be the name of my book!

i wanted to get down a few thoughts before they are gone from my mind forever....... i had to sit down yesterday and answer a thousand questions about how often i have seizures, what meds i take how often i take them, what they do to me and on and on and on until my predominate thought was death and i couldn't stop it!
i cried and sobbed and felt sorry for myself, i felt angry and alone and finally rage! i attached myself to the rage and hung on to it all day..... finally when i was done and got everything in the mail, i stopped at the pharmacy for a refill and a really hot muscle bound tattooed guy hit on me for 20 minutes till my prescription was ready and then watched me go to my car. 1o yrs ago i would have been tempted, but i have sworn off testosterone saturated men! i am waiting for my dentist! i am done with adrenaline junkies and i am addicted to getting my teeth cleaned! FOCUS FOCUS! i am determined to stay focused, but still it was flattering and made my day better...... ! (:

ok i am on headache day 6..... my whole life is beginning to feel like a blur and the only thing i can remember is having a headache! i loved my birthday though, headache and all. i spent it with my lovely toni, she took me out to eat mexican food for my birthday, then i made her salmon, broccoli and baked potatoes for her birthday! (toni's birthday was the 31st)
i have paperwork to turn into the school tomorrow, and star goes back to school on wednesday.... where did summer go? it never even got hot up here........

i went to the college today and met with a counselor whom i told "i want a degree in physiology, i have a form of epilepsy....i am not retarded, i am bright, i am hardworking, you get federal money to help the disabled, you're gonna help me or i will get an attorney and sue you for discrimination!"
i was shocked at her response..... "we can so do this! take these forms and fill them out, bring them back and we will get to work! your gonna do great!" i don't know what i expected but that was not it......
(my daughter and i had a discussion this week, she lovingly told me "mom rage is a great place to be, it is where things get done! get pissed and make it happen! you can do it!)
crazy crazy craziness! stay tuned! (:

my sisters are with out a doubt a coven of witches!

ok i decide i would take an extra 50ml a day for a few days....... best to be safe....! am feeling a bit manic already and no one is even here yet, mel and the baby boy will be here tonight!

today seems to be wednesday.... this weekend alot of family will be gathering here for the 24 of july. apparently "the saints" reached the salt lake valley on the 24th of july and the prophet declared "this is the place." so the 24th is celebrated in lds communities with parades, BBQ, dances, and rodeos..... (in utah it is a state holiday, the banks, schools, post offices, everything shuts down) it is a fun little custom, sorta i guess. every tribe has it's customs and rituals, it is the thing that social groups are made of, at this point i understand that and i realize that people have to have their reasons to get together, yeah i get it!
but the last grand mal seizure i had was on the 24th of july. my parents owned a home which was on the parade route and the streets were lined with people, some idiot found me having a seizure and called 911 and they drove me in a ambulance in front of the parade to the er..... ahhhh! it sounds worse now that i say it out loud...... i think i am gonna throw up. brb

i am about to share some girlie girl information, so if you don't want tmi girl info stop reading now.... when i gave birth to star in 04,.... well both before then and after....there were complications and i had to have some unwanted, live saving, life long damage causing, procedures done,... so long story short because of damage, my girl time of the month was going longer than the usual 3 to 4 days, then it started lasting longer... then longer, then it was lasting longer then the rest of the month put together... so last year i had a procedure done called "thermal ablation" which i won't go into to many gross girl details but because of swirling boiling hot water, my uterus no longer prepares itself for a baby and it no longer gets rid of those preparatory materials.
but sometimes my body forgets we are not doing that anymore and still has cramps and i still get randomly cranky..... it is so weird when that happens i have to remember that my ovaries and my body chemistry is still going on the old game plan..... (message to self- WE ARE NOT HAVING PERIODS ANYMORE!) i am finding a midol!

ok so we went to see the last air bender. the boy picked it, he and i have gone on little mom and boy dates a few times since he came back from the duds but this is the first time he felt ready to see the baby. it was so cute she held his hand thru the whole movie and when he saw how she struggled to sit still thru the grown up and boring to a 5 yr old girl story line, he promised to take her to see toy story 3 for our next family night! huge step for a 16 year old boy to recognize how someone else has sacrificed their happiness for his own and promise to do the same in return! big steps!
he is staying at a group home up on the mountain, and asked if his room mate could come "just so he can get out of the house" i wanted to say no, so star and i could have him all to ourselves, but that little voice whispered yes...... (so i wore my new hippy skirt found in jerome last week and my longest dangle earrings) and as we sit down to wait for the movie to start i hear the friend whisper to the boy "i like your mom, she reminds me of my grandmother, she's a gypsy" i smiled to myself thinking he was using the word meaning a tree hugger or a hippy. but when we were having burgers after the movie, the friend told us his story, his grandmother immigrated from romainia and was an actual nomadic gypsy... he was abbandoned by his mother up on the mountain..... i think the universe has placed my son where he is learning how life looks to people other than the spoiled over indulged generation he has grown up with....... thank you Heavenly Father!
i wanted to mention, i thought it was cute that he had to brag to his friend that when star was born he named her star.... i felt really grateful that the universe has put him in a position to see and appreciate what he has been given......