ok happy day! really yesterday was amazing! finally cps dropped it's case against me... how the government could come up with charges against me because my son is beyond my control is way out of my realm of comprehension! how ever crazy and out of control it was, it's over now! thank you God i survived it!
now i am deciding on a way to celebrate... so happy today! (:

back to court today... my attorney just called and said to be there before 1... grrrrrr! i am tired of the government being involved in my life! i told mellie this morning that it's all going to pay off when i write my book on how... and i make millions, she said yeah mom do it... so as soon as i am done living thru my train wreck of a life i will write about it...
i tell myself i am going to just ignore it, till i start to hear loud ringing in my ears and feel a twitch in my neck and i think "oh my hell i am going to hit the floor"
but i haven't yet so i am surviving today!

ok i do nothing but eat food and this morning i am below 130... so yesterday my son was sitting on his bed when i tried to walk past him to go into his closet... "what is that smell? all that stuff does not belong on the floor!" without getting off the bed he put out his left arm and blocked me without much effort at all really... yes most of my life i have been maybe too thin...
he maybe big and strong, but me and star put him too shame yesterday with some yoga moves and a small yoga ball (tennis ball size) oh yeah he was so in awe, he wouldn't even try... ok so i am the too skinny too flexible mom.... hmmmmm, what does that mean? what does it all mean? when i start to stress out about not knowing how to be a single mom to a grown up 16yr old boy who is waaaaaay bigger than me, i just remember that it's just another phase, i never knew how to be a mom anyway... right?

ok i wanted to make a note about what has been going on... my friend rayna has talked me into going vegan... i see it as a good opportunity to cleanse and in an attempt to get off these prescription meds.... so i have been changing my diet and watching my sugar.... i have been feeling much better using natural methods to deal with my health...
i made a post of the last time i came close to a seizure, and i need to mention that it happened again last night...
i suddenly realize that i am not struggling with my epilepsy without meds, it occurred to me that i am addicted to these meds i have been on for 5 years now... how can i be having withdrawal from prescription meds? how is it legal that medical doctors are able to give me meds that i will become addicted to? what planet are we on?
so now i am switching gears and addressing my reduction of meds from a point of an addict?! help me God!
will be doing a lot of praying!

i have never posted anything on my lunatics! except my own writings but read this and see what i am going through....!

ok i narrowly avoided a full on seizure last night and the boy watched me do it... i forgot my pill yesterday morning, the two of them are out of school for fall break and i have been crazy busy running after them, not to mention the stress of having everyone here the long weekend...
but i am happy to have the boy see me deal with it... over the last week i have seen him have panic attacks and when i try to talk him thru it he just rolls his eyes, but last night we really had a break through and i feel like he is seeing that i have learned how to push through and it might be something he wants to know...
just staying in the now....!

ahhhhhhhh! i feeling i am always rushing to keep up with the two of them! i have always said, i can do 2 kids, i have 2 eyes, 2 ears, 2 hands, 2 feet, 2 sides of my brian, i mean brain... but now this is harder than i remember.... maybe if i didn't have children with sociopaths i would not have to be a physiologist/pharmacist/ sociologist/ therepist (i think i might be getting pist) hehe, to mother them.... or no now it is called 'non compliance disorder" the boy's attorney said "doesn't every teen aged boy have that?
hell we are packing like crazy to move into the "hand-me-down house" and melanie and dave and griffin decided to come for fall break... they will be here in 2 hrs...... again i say, ahhhhh! cleaning packing, cleaning packing....... homecoming football game tomorrow night.....
to do list:
1. keep company feed and entertained
2. keep babies from killing themselves or others
3. keep the boy sober.....
easy peasy lemon squeezy! (;
i am really going to try to get to al anon tonight.... i am praying for that to happen!

another whole week of headache! no wait it gets better! the beginning of last week i called my pharmacy for a refill of my lamictal.... last friday they still had nothing ready i told them i only had enough pill to get me through the weekend. so monday they told me that my insurance suddenly decided they would not pay for them... a drug i have been on for 5 yrs... suddenly they don't cover it?! so many dr. appointments and phone calls later i finally pick up my meds yesterday afternoon. so before last night my last dose was sunday night... not really a fun way to start off the week... a week of flashing lights and waving walls! lots of small muscle jerks and loud noises ringing in my ears.....!
so this morning other than my headache i am feeling back to normal, well as normal as i ever get... i guess a headache is the norm lately....! ahhhh! yay for being me! we survived one more week.... well almost...!