ok i went to see my dr. about the cat scan done last week of my right kidney..... yay me i have 8 to 10 small kidney stones in my kidney..... i will go to the valley next week to see a urologist next week.
really really really rough week! aside from the shaking and headaches from stress, i am holding at 50 mg. am and pm. i am really glad i have kept a journal so i can read my back entries and remember why i am doing this....... i am feeling very frustrated! not just because of my situation, it is a chemical change. i have gone thru it enuf times to know it when i see it! i am starting to not feel like me anymore. well i am the really angry and illogical me who i don't want to be. and giving birth to a kidney stone every other day is not making this any easier!
i really am past the suicidal thoughts which i knew at the time, were not my own. and now i am just at the point that it sucks to be me so bad that i am forgetting the point of going on.......
holding holding holding on!
i am off to get star out of the tub and get her to bed, then i will 2 more percocets and a promethazine...... i hate drugs! i don't see how people become addicted! grrrrrrrrr!

sunday night, tomorrow is the start of star's last week of school....... this last week was a hard one! i was glad to spend time with my daughter and grandbaby, but it was hard to see them go! i miss st. george, i want out of taylor. i keep going to dr. appointments, i keep going to group, i keep reminding my self that i have given it to God, and i keep telling myself that i knew this was going to be a tough row to hoe when i started on it....... i just want things to be different now not later.......... hope hope hope is what i live on everyday and watch for the path God is preparing for me..........
still doing 50/50, and the oils dr. nichols gave me are making me sick......... i don't like being nauseous every day it is very bad for my moral!

well i didn't post saterday or sunday so i thought i would make a quick note now, i know i won't have time later..... mellie, dave and griffin are coming for the week! yay me!
they will be here i about an hour! i am so happy! well i am down to 50/50 and am holding, the manganese and the fish oil that dr. nichols gave me to start off have been making me very sick to my stomach! but it was to be expected, any kind of real cleansing feels sorta like the flu. very nauseous..... but i am sticking to the plan, mostly because it will be a no brainer while i have a week full of people! (: tune in next week.....

ok i went to see this dr. doug nichols today, oddly enough when i called this morning, he had a cancellation and could see at 11.... well i was in his office for about and hour and a half! he was so amazing, he worked right through his lunch with me.....as i tried to sum up the last 20 yrs in 20 minutes he started to ask questions which would seem unrelated to a neurological disorder,
"do you have painful period's, how much water do you drink, do you have regular bowel movements?" i am so beyond grateful to have found a dr. who can see the whole picture! it is like a miracle! i guess it is a miracle.....he had explanations why some drugs have worked for me when others have sent me into a tail spin. "how many kids did you have and how close together are they? did you breast feed and for how long, which things corresponded with the onset or worsening of seizure activity?"
he came up with a plan, which he wants to implement in stages, so that i can keep journaling to keep track how each thing effects me. i am to stay at the level of lamictal i am at while he helps me work to replenish the oils and minerals in my brain which are necessary for healthy brain activity.....
he gave me a b shot today, to help with stress, sent me home with a fish oil concentrate, and manganese drops, he said to continue with the milled flax seed but that i need to bump it up to 1/4 everyday.....
i am so happy to have someone on my team! the future looks bright!......

really hard week! aaron did come thru with a referral to a holistic dr. up here on the mountain, i will make contact with him this week.... for now i will stick with the dosage i am at and see what this dr. has to say..... stay tuned.....