everyone is completely frozen, everything within a hundred miles is under about a foot of ice... the coldness blows through me like a reed....! i don't belong up here i can feel it shiver me to my core! i see the others around me all fluffy and warm... all snugly and separate from me...
ok to address the idea of a year long journal...yes it is new years eve.... so what?! hmmmm i am still on two of the four meds i spent the last year trying to take myself off of.... i think the real road block didn't come from detoxing as i thought it would.... i seem to have hit a brick wall on the idea of addiction... i am completely addicted to anti seizure meidications... so now my choice is, yeah what is my choice from here?!
how to sum up a whole years failure vs. success on such a clear goal as being clean from foreign chemicals... oh hell i think i thought of it as just quitting chocolate or something... now a year later why am i still on chocolate... i mean lamictal....
ok let's discuss symptoms.... it is now 8 something at night and i have not had a pill since 7 this morning... so now that i can feel the drug wearing off of my system my muscles are shaking... my heart is pounding... i have gone down below my target weight for my height and am sickly thin at 119 lbs... which is by the way really gross... i have always been a big framed girl... all the women in my family are and always have been... pioneer women who worked like men... i have always said 118 is my limit... note to self eat food...
i seriously think my head is going to explode... seriously...! in 1985 i had a car accident at the top of the rim in which i drove myself off a 40 foot cliff and shattered my nose and left cheek bone... yeah ouch even now... a storm system like this could be the death of me.... soooooo cold and off my pain pills though... wait was that a good thing? yes let's just move down off the mountain which has been trying to kill me for years and settle in by the river... yeah let's do that and we won't need pain pills for headaches all winter...
ok wait i think i just switched into talking in third person.... yeah maybe this is why i shouldn't write... i have split personality disorder... (i have learned over the last year that any thing with the word disorder on the end of it is a reason to medicate...."oh yeah i have scratch my mother in law's face off disorder, so sorry"....
lamictal is not only just prescribed for epilespy it is also to be taken for bi-polar disorder... go figure.... would you think maybe now that i can feel the mania coming on.... ok when my daughter was leaving this morning she actually came into the bedroom where i was and said "mother would you stop being so manic and come out here and eat with us?!" yea so mania anorexia anyone?
i am so bizzy i don't know if i lost my horse or found a rope...!
happy new year.... welcome to the year of the rabbit.....s.....

all three of us have been soooooooo sick with some kind of funk! coughing coughing coughing! the issue with bob has escalated to a point that i really didn't foresee... sounds strange to say it out loud but i really didn't see this coming... my hell! not again!
i have got to get to al anon! the boy totally stubbed his toe this last week everything seem to have been spiraling downward...
i going to get us all to Deanna's today....!

yeah so i have been panicking all day... was slightly productive and was sorta able to push past it... the stress is getting to me... yeah one more story from the life of horrors! readers beware... the following information may be disturbing....
in 2003 i found myself a victim of a very frighting situation of domestic violence! star was born after i got out... she has only seen her father a handful of times... he is insisting to take her for Christmas she just keep saying "no thanks dad, i don't want to go"
and he has turned into his usual insane rage-aholic self .... she is so freaking out... grrrrr! it's all going to get so much better very soon.....! Please God!

sometimes i just get tired of talking about it... but i guess that is what journaling is all about? getting it out?! well first the good news i started work saturday it was good to come home with money in my pocket...
now the bad news... we had our health insurance canceled because of my sons income... yes that is right my son at the age of 16 makes too much money for us to qualify for low income health benefits... the taxes filed for his social security number in a town 5 hrs from here put us over the income limit...
how does a 16 yr old boy who is a full time student with no car work make that much money in a city 5 hrs away you may ask? yeah that is what i asked.... "well obviously someone is using his social security number illegally, so go home and call these credit agencies... file a police report... and call the number of the place where the number is being used...." "so you are telling me there is nothing you can do?!" "that's right... go home... "
the police told us the same thing.... go home and good luck...
anyone who thinks illegals are not ruining our country just hasn't had their turn to wake up yet...

ok i have tried to keep the lunatics mostly about my meds but i have to share the worst day ever! yes i know what you are thinking.... yes seriously the worse ever...
we were at the pharmacy haggling with the pharmacist about whether or not my insurance was going to cover some penicillin and an amazingly kind soul paid for our meds... in front of a store full of people... seriously i just didn't have money with me... i really could have handled it...i can't believe i didn't hit the floor... i thought i was going to seize up!!!
weird, he is probably somewhere feeling pretty good about himself... me? i am the biggest loser! why is it so much harder to receive than to give?! ouch!

ok i'm happy now! i have my loving computer spouse back! my life might be one train wreck after another but i must have my laptop... seriously!
yeah so i try to stick to the subject of my health here on lunatics... but i have one question... when do i decided that a relationship is an unfair one? and once i decide that, what do i do about it?
when i have done and done and done for these people and they stubbornly do nothing for me...? wth?! i am in need of a miracle this Christmas... how 'bout the miracle is that the ones who are perfectly healthy do something to help themselves... would that be to much to ask for? in this family it would be a miracle indeed!

ok just a quick update... my computer crashed.... ahhhhh!
i have had a head ache for 3 days now... i can't think of anything besides this headache and Barnaby dumped me! ):

i realize i have been pretty tight lipped about what is going on here... my hell! how to cope? i have taken myself off my fiorecet completely and am only taking the xanax very randomly....?! sticking to 50 mg morning and night of lamictal.... i didn't make it to al anon last thursday and no meeting on thanksgiving.... i can feel myself bracing against this wind... when will the wind stop blowing like this?
it seems like the wind is always blowing..... it is howling outside... i can hear it!

headache.... again? seriously!? why do i have to live my life with a headache?!

my heck, i am trying to keep up! i am finally over the flu.... i started work today... it was good to be back... i am holding at 50mg morning and night... i have been "reducing" for a year and am somewhat very irritated now that is occurs to me that i am addicted.... i never set out to be an addict... i just thought i was following my dr.s advice...! grrrrrr! that's what i get for listening to a "practicing physician" yeah go practice on someone else!...
it may take me a minute to come up with a game plan but i am determined to be clean and sober by next summer....! (i have learned to give myself time... set goals out there and if it happens sooner i am happy!)

ok i just realized i haven't documented anything for all most 2 weeks... how did it all get so far out of control?! i have been so sick! flu bug from hell! my poor kids! i hate when we are sick! still holding at 50mg morning and night.... ahhhhh! i can feel myself quiver under the shear weight of my life! i am clinging to dear life... i do nothing but slather myself in oil....
everyone i know is sick i need to share some recipes blessings...! god give me strength!

ok happy day! really yesterday was amazing! finally cps dropped it's case against me... how the government could come up with charges against me because my son is beyond my control is way out of my realm of comprehension! how ever crazy and out of control it was, it's over now! thank you God i survived it!
now i am deciding on a way to celebrate... so happy today! (:

back to court today... my attorney just called and said to be there before 1... grrrrrr! i am tired of the government being involved in my life! i told mellie this morning that it's all going to pay off when i write my book on how... and i make millions, she said yeah mom do it... so as soon as i am done living thru my train wreck of a life i will write about it...
i tell myself i am going to just ignore it, till i start to hear loud ringing in my ears and feel a twitch in my neck and i think "oh my hell i am going to hit the floor"
but i haven't yet so i am surviving today!

ok i do nothing but eat food and this morning i am below 130... so yesterday my son was sitting on his bed when i tried to walk past him to go into his closet... "what is that smell? all that stuff does not belong on the floor!" without getting off the bed he put out his left arm and blocked me without much effort at all really... yes most of my life i have been maybe too thin...
he maybe big and strong, but me and star put him too shame yesterday with some yoga moves and a small yoga ball (tennis ball size) oh yeah he was so in awe, he wouldn't even try... ok so i am the too skinny too flexible mom.... hmmmmm, what does that mean? what does it all mean? when i start to stress out about not knowing how to be a single mom to a grown up 16yr old boy who is waaaaaay bigger than me, i just remember that it's just another phase, i never knew how to be a mom anyway... right?

ok i wanted to make a note about what has been going on... my friend rayna has talked me into going vegan... i see it as a good opportunity to cleanse and in an attempt to get off these prescription meds.... so i have been changing my diet and watching my sugar.... i have been feeling much better using natural methods to deal with my health...
i made a post of the last time i came close to a seizure, and i need to mention that it happened again last night...
i suddenly realize that i am not struggling with my epilepsy without meds, it occurred to me that i am addicted to these meds i have been on for 5 years now... how can i be having withdrawal from prescription meds? how is it legal that medical doctors are able to give me meds that i will become addicted to? what planet are we on?
so now i am switching gears and addressing my reduction of meds from a point of an addict?! help me God!
will be doing a lot of praying!

i have never posted anything on my lunatics! except my own writings but read this and see what i am going through....!

ok i narrowly avoided a full on seizure last night and the boy watched me do it... i forgot my pill yesterday morning, the two of them are out of school for fall break and i have been crazy busy running after them, not to mention the stress of having everyone here the long weekend...
but i am happy to have the boy see me deal with it... over the last week i have seen him have panic attacks and when i try to talk him thru it he just rolls his eyes, but last night we really had a break through and i feel like he is seeing that i have learned how to push through and it might be something he wants to know...
just staying in the now....!

ahhhhhhhh! i feeling i am always rushing to keep up with the two of them! i have always said, i can do 2 kids, i have 2 eyes, 2 ears, 2 hands, 2 feet, 2 sides of my brian, i mean brain... but now this is harder than i remember.... maybe if i didn't have children with sociopaths i would not have to be a physiologist/pharmacist/ sociologist/ therepist (i think i might be getting pist) hehe, to mother them.... or no now it is called 'non compliance disorder" the boy's attorney said "doesn't every teen aged boy have that?
hell we are packing like crazy to move into the "hand-me-down house" and melanie and dave and griffin decided to come for fall break... they will be here in 2 hrs...... again i say, ahhhhh! cleaning packing, cleaning packing....... homecoming football game tomorrow night.....
to do list:
1. keep company feed and entertained
2. keep babies from killing themselves or others
3. keep the boy sober.....
easy peasy lemon squeezy! (;
i am really going to try to get to al anon tonight.... i am praying for that to happen!

another whole week of headache! no wait it gets better! the beginning of last week i called my pharmacy for a refill of my lamictal.... last friday they still had nothing ready i told them i only had enough pill to get me through the weekend. so monday they told me that my insurance suddenly decided they would not pay for them... a drug i have been on for 5 yrs... suddenly they don't cover it?! so many dr. appointments and phone calls later i finally pick up my meds yesterday afternoon. so before last night my last dose was sunday night... not really a fun way to start off the week... a week of flashing lights and waving walls! lots of small muscle jerks and loud noises ringing in my ears.....!
so this morning other than my headache i am feeling back to normal, well as normal as i ever get... i guess a headache is the norm lately....! ahhhh! yay for being me! we survived one more week.... well almost...!

headache day 6... or is it 7? it is all starting to blur together! i guess i will go to the walk in clinic tonight and try to get a shot... of something... ok this is it i have to make an appointment and go back down to barrow's.... i am so tired of being wired up and having my brain waves mapped and analyzed! grrrrrrr! i am about tired of being me! holding on till november!

panic panic panic! what am i panicking about? who knows? who cares really! a crazy person doesn't need a reason! (: i am sticking to 50 mgs. morning and night.... i can't decide if i am going to have a heart attack or just throw up......

absolutely incredible full moon the past few nights! i can't sleep during a full moon..... yeah they don't call us lunatics for nothing! so basically i stay up all night and struggle with a monster headache all day...... i have been so jacked by the universe recently i have forgotten to take my pill 4 times this week..... which obviously made matters way worse! i am back on track..... well sorta
star has a part in the primary program at church yesterday..... i think i have the boy talked into coming with me.... "all they do at that church is try to brain wash you!" he says.... "well, who the hell doesn't want to be brain washed? (didn't you see igor?! i totally want to be brain washed!) look at all the stupid choices you have made.... hell! look at the horrible choices i have made! just go and get some ideas! once you decide what not to do ..... then you can decide what to do! i will take my camera and put some pictures on my blessings..... (i am not sure cameras are aloud in church..... but that is just how i roll.... that's right stop me before i kill!) lame i know! but who is to argue with me.....i have found that most people are scared of crazy people.....! (;

ok look! i am not going to stop losing weight if i don't stop feeling nauseous all the time! what the hell is my problem?! i just left my dr who thinks i am doing a great job? how is this great? is everyone who comes in 200 lbs over weight and looking for a way to lose weight? this is not great and i am starting to get scared!

i guess i should try to continue documenting what is going on even though it is not quite what would want it to be......the boy has been back with us for a little over a week, and i think the honeymoon period might be close to over.....
i am sticking to 50mgs morning and night..... i seem to have had at least two seizures of some sort since he has been here.... not that anyone has noticed, but i have had substantial bites in my mouth...... grrrrrrr! i have lost over 10lbs and am now much thinner than i would like.....grrrrrr! star keeps wetting the bed and keeps trying to mentally process how to regroup as a family.....grrrrrr!
i love having my son with me, but at this stage in his recovery.....he is like a giant infant, he did nothing but follow me thru the house till i got him into school, now when he is home, all i hear is "look at me, talk to me, pay attention to me" my poor star is feeling quite eclipsed! i can only be determined to help him push through to a place where he will have enough self esteem to sustain him and feel confident enough in his support system to have outside interests.....!
his ride to his support group just called and canceled so my plans of spending my evening with star and going to al anon are out, and i will be spending my whole evening driving to showlow, i will take star with me and we will go out to dinner and pretend it is a girls night out......"help me God" seems to be my mantra of my every minute!

ok i am going back to tuscon to get the boy tomorrow and he is coming back here with us........this is gonna be great! i feel good, i feel great, i feel wonderful! (:

doing better...... back up to 50 mg morning and night....... when i decided to rush off to deanna's i forgot today is a holiday so we will be going up the mountain for a picnic and to play in the creek! yay for hiking! it will be easy to stay in the now today! i am a hillbilly at heart! (:

had a really full on break down last night...... scary.....! i had reduced to 30mg morning and night.... obviously not ready for that.....
i have not talked much about what has gone on with my son over the last 2 yrs, i did mention that he went with his dad, but i need to share some over whelming information..... i am a strong believer of..... better out than in......!
when i made the decision to leave utah in '07 it was due to the fact that my son had started doing drugs and running away, shoplifting, stealing from me, i think the usual behavior of a boy who experienced a broken home.....
so 3yrs and 3 months later, time of ongoing nonsense..... he had a breakdown on tuesday.... i made a mad rush to get him into a physiological evaluation center in tucson that night (i came to the conclusion that highway 77 from showlow to tucson is the highway to hell!)
i thought i had been really suffering over the last 20 yrs being chemically imbalanced and electronically mis wired but now to see my children suffer with the same brain makeup as me.... friggen hell! ouch!
i tell myself that the medical information and the daily coping skills that i have learned.... well i feel the Lord has prepared me to help them....... i keep going to al anon every week, i have a prayer in my heart and in my thoughts every minute of everyday.... they say you can't beg the universe..... i think what i am doing is probably more like pestering endlessly... "God where are you?! God please bless us with the things that thou doest see that we stand in need of...."
we have a child and family team meeting on tuesday...... (have been blessed with a wonderful support group at the community counseling center in showlow and child protective services have been very evolved in helping me deal with his issues...... we have to decide on tuesday where to go from here, being an evaluation center and not a long term treatment center he will be ready to leave on thursday and we have to have a plan.......God help me!
i keep writing and hope that someday it will turn into something that can help others who struggle......
i tell myself that the journey is the destination and try to stay in the now.... today i will be doodling some celtic knots (art therapy) and violently cleaning.... i will limit my cleaning to the bathroom so i don't purge out my closets of everything i own.......coping coping coping.... i can so do this! (mantras help!)
monday i will be calling deanna......!

i called my bank's 800 number today and informed the guy who answered their phone that if they don't stop taking fees out of my account that i can't afford i am coming to their local branch and killing myself in their lobby.... oddly enough he refunded all the fees and fixed my account so that it won't happen again..... i am finding that living a life of honesty is really starting to pay off! (;

ok finally some thing good to report..... my month long headache is gone.....! (: yay for survival and thanks for the prayers! something weird though,,,, i am completely panic stricken today.... no reason, everything normal, just panic...... i am just making a note to compare with my meds changing....... it's so fun to be me! i went to the college and took a compass placement test for english and scored a 96 on reading and 91 on writing...... i was wondering if it might have scored higher if i hadn't taken the test during my marathon headache.... i actually wore sunglasses during the test, how crazy am i?

i am on headache day..... 14 or 15 i am starting to lose count..... i went to the walk in clinic yesterday and my dr. told me to stop taking everything...... just stop right now... WTF? i knew it all along, but is official my dr. is stupider than me! suddenly stopping anti seizure meds could put me into a seizure which could kill me.......
i am going back down to barrow's...... "oh my hell!" is going to be the name of my book!

i wanted to get down a few thoughts before they are gone from my mind forever....... i had to sit down yesterday and answer a thousand questions about how often i have seizures, what meds i take how often i take them, what they do to me and on and on and on until my predominate thought was death and i couldn't stop it!
i cried and sobbed and felt sorry for myself, i felt angry and alone and finally rage! i attached myself to the rage and hung on to it all day..... finally when i was done and got everything in the mail, i stopped at the pharmacy for a refill and a really hot muscle bound tattooed guy hit on me for 20 minutes till my prescription was ready and then watched me go to my car. 1o yrs ago i would have been tempted, but i have sworn off testosterone saturated men! i am waiting for my dentist! i am done with adrenaline junkies and i am addicted to getting my teeth cleaned! FOCUS FOCUS! i am determined to stay focused, but still it was flattering and made my day better...... ! (:

ok i am on headache day 6..... my whole life is beginning to feel like a blur and the only thing i can remember is having a headache! i loved my birthday though, headache and all. i spent it with my lovely toni, she took me out to eat mexican food for my birthday, then i made her salmon, broccoli and baked potatoes for her birthday! (toni's birthday was the 31st)
i have paperwork to turn into the school tomorrow, and star goes back to school on wednesday.... where did summer go? it never even got hot up here........

i went to the college today and met with a counselor whom i told "i want a degree in physiology, i have a form of epilepsy....i am not retarded, i am bright, i am hardworking, you get federal money to help the disabled, you're gonna help me or i will get an attorney and sue you for discrimination!"
i was shocked at her response..... "we can so do this! take these forms and fill them out, bring them back and we will get to work! your gonna do great!" i don't know what i expected but that was not it......
(my daughter and i had a discussion this week, she lovingly told me "mom rage is a great place to be, it is where things get done! get pissed and make it happen! you can do it!)
crazy crazy craziness! stay tuned! (:

my sisters are with out a doubt a coven of witches!

ok i decide i would take an extra 50ml a day for a few days....... best to be safe....! am feeling a bit manic already and no one is even here yet, mel and the baby boy will be here tonight!

today seems to be wednesday.... this weekend alot of family will be gathering here for the 24 of july. apparently "the saints" reached the salt lake valley on the 24th of july and the prophet declared "this is the place." so the 24th is celebrated in lds communities with parades, BBQ, dances, and rodeos..... (in utah it is a state holiday, the banks, schools, post offices, everything shuts down) it is a fun little custom, sorta i guess. every tribe has it's customs and rituals, it is the thing that social groups are made of, at this point i understand that and i realize that people have to have their reasons to get together, yeah i get it!
but the last grand mal seizure i had was on the 24th of july. my parents owned a home which was on the parade route and the streets were lined with people, some idiot found me having a seizure and called 911 and they drove me in a ambulance in front of the parade to the er..... ahhhh! it sounds worse now that i say it out loud...... i think i am gonna throw up. brb

i am about to share some girlie girl information, so if you don't want tmi girl info stop reading now.... when i gave birth to star in 04,.... well both before then and after....there were complications and i had to have some unwanted, live saving, life long damage causing, procedures done,... so long story short because of damage, my girl time of the month was going longer than the usual 3 to 4 days, then it started lasting longer... then longer, then it was lasting longer then the rest of the month put together... so last year i had a procedure done called "thermal ablation" which i won't go into to many gross girl details but because of swirling boiling hot water, my uterus no longer prepares itself for a baby and it no longer gets rid of those preparatory materials.
but sometimes my body forgets we are not doing that anymore and still has cramps and i still get randomly cranky..... it is so weird when that happens i have to remember that my ovaries and my body chemistry is still going on the old game plan..... (message to self- WE ARE NOT HAVING PERIODS ANYMORE!) i am finding a midol!

ok so we went to see the last air bender. the boy picked it, he and i have gone on little mom and boy dates a few times since he came back from the duds but this is the first time he felt ready to see the baby. it was so cute she held his hand thru the whole movie and when he saw how she struggled to sit still thru the grown up and boring to a 5 yr old girl story line, he promised to take her to see toy story 3 for our next family night! huge step for a 16 year old boy to recognize how someone else has sacrificed their happiness for his own and promise to do the same in return! big steps!
he is staying at a group home up on the mountain, and asked if his room mate could come "just so he can get out of the house" i wanted to say no, so star and i could have him all to ourselves, but that little voice whispered yes...... (so i wore my new hippy skirt found in jerome last week and my longest dangle earrings) and as we sit down to wait for the movie to start i hear the friend whisper to the boy "i like your mom, she reminds me of my grandmother, she's a gypsy" i smiled to myself thinking he was using the word meaning a tree hugger or a hippy. but when we were having burgers after the movie, the friend told us his story, his grandmother immigrated from romainia and was an actual nomadic gypsy... he was abbandoned by his mother up on the mountain..... i think the universe has placed my son where he is learning how life looks to people other than the spoiled over indulged generation he has grown up with....... thank you Heavenly Father!
i wanted to mention, i thought it was cute that he had to brag to his friend that when star was born he named her star.... i felt really grateful that the universe has put him in a position to see and appreciate what he has been given......

i am teetering at 50mg morning and 50 mg of lamictal @night. i am aware of my brain struggling to relearn to communicate with itself..... this summer has been very busy and emotionally charged! today i am off to take my boy and my baby to see a movie, it sounds easy enuf but it is real mile stone! more details on that whole deal later.
i have been very shaky this whole week, not emotionally shaky, i mean physically shaking hands and muscles.... i feel myself being more and more dependent on my fiorecet. which is what was to be expected, my brain is searching for another crutch as it is slowly learning to not rely on the lamictal....
i stumbled on a charlie rose 10 part special on understanding the brain on pbs. amazing stuff! i just caught episode 9......

so i gave up on being manic at home and just ran away instead! (sorry carpets) running away is one of my favorite things to do! going back is the hard part.... as i am getting closer and closer to being drug free i am feeling more and more like the real me and less like the i'm so drugged i can lie about life me..... which is good for me but not so good for those around me who try to hide from the truth of their lives.... or lies, which ever is the appropriate word for what they live! i am thanking God for toni! i know i would not have made it through this week without her taking care of me everyday!
i am feeling a real amount of accountability! friggen doctors are stupid! being without star all week i have had way to much time to think, and if i had decided now was the time to check out, it would be easy enough.......if giving a crazy person enough drugs to kill themselves is considered good medicine, i can see it is past time for me to medicate myself....... did that make any sense?........since i don't know what i am talking about, i guess it does.......

well the lemon water has worked wonders! it goes along with my theory that God has given us every thing we need on this earth to heal ourselves if we just look. well it may sound like i am having complete thought processes, but i am feeling a little flaky lately! i had sorta like a really weird week and i have having to focus on not missing too many pills. i am having that cleansing too fast feeling. i don't know how to describe it..... just some really weird thoughts.....for instance it occurred to me that i am clairvoyant, as in able to read others thoughts but i think the problem is i don't share a common language with very many people.... is that crazy enuf for ya'? trying to stick to 50/50 at least three days a week... i maybe getting a little scary around here! (: am feeling some what manic, will be cleaning the carpets this week.....!

i swear every post starts with..... ok so, my entire life is one run on sentence! but i have sorta decided to go in another direction, or the same direction i guess i was going before i my kidney took it upon itself to sabotage my life.....
back to the idea of going off the lamictal, i have been accidentally skipping doses... so obviously my body is ready to reduce more. i think the thing that is happening with my kidney is this......when a person stops poisoning their body, suddenly your body is able to stop using all it's energy reserves to maintain daily living and it frees up energy with which you body will begin to cleanse itself.
so i think that is what has happened that my body is suddenly releasing built up toxins (every thing you put into your body is either used up for energy or stored, so any foreign matter such as chemicals or drugs you come in contact with eventually your body needs to dump it or it turns into fat or worse cancer) so i believe it is these toxins which are getting clogged up in my kidney and making me nauseous every day.
ok so, with all of these ideas in mind, what is happening now is the lamictal is going along about 50mg morning and night about three days a week and only 50mg in the morning the other two days....... and to move forward with the lemon idea i am drinking just fresh juices one day and then eat only fruits and veges the next day for the next week or so to try to change my body's acid balance, speed up cleansing....... we'll see how this goes, my main concern i losing weight, i am struggling to stay above 130 right now......

so his advice to "drink lemon aid" has worked wonders! of course it didn't pay off his boat as i am sure his first plan of action would have done! but i feel so much better and that is the miracle i prayed for! Thank you Heavenly Father!

hi there! i am home, gosh what a long day! i am going to get down quickly what happened today, i am exhausted and i just took a percocet so please bare with me, i want to get it documented before i wake up in the morning and it is all a blur......
we drove down to mesa to see this "team of specialist" first off i was the only person in the office under the age of 110! creepy! so i give them at the front desk the "film of my cat scan" which was about 200 lbs of x ray pictures, and i wait in the waiting room while they look at it and then i am called back and taken into an examining room to discuss their "findings"
the walls are covered with medical pictures of the insides of peoples bodies showing their bladders, kidneys etc...... gross and creepy and i am starting to panic. i will not sit on any of the chairs or set my stuff down on any thing and the dr. comes in to find me putting hand sanitizer on my hands.
so he sits down and condescendingly says "tell me" i quickly sum up where it hurts how long it has been hurting and what my general practitioner has done thus far. he just keeps saying "uhhh haaa" so i ask he if he looked at my film..... he looks at me and hesitates. so i try to make a joke, "yeah i tried to look at them and the only thing which looked like me at all was the side view from my shoulder to my hip, which i am going to make my new fb profile photo"
he laughed at that and said as he drew on a dry erase board, "you see your kidney is shaped like this, the outside ring is muscle, the inside is where kidney stones usually cling to the walls until they let go and are funneled down thru this tube into your bladder. all of your stones are up here in the muscle where i can't get at them with the blasting sound waves procedure, so we will go in with this scope and put in a stint which will stay there for 7 to 10 days. we will do a laser burning procedure which would get them out, if they were where i could get to them. but since they are up in the muscle i am not sure i will be able to get at them but will try it and see what happens."
i said "no you will not." he looks at me and says "i will not what?" i said, "i am not going to some hospital to be exposed to germs that could kill me, for you to violate me in every horrifying way you can think of, put foreign objects in my body and leave them there for a week or ten days for reasons you can't even explain in the the hopes of results that you don't even pretend to guarantee."
he was speechless! i asked him, "what is causing my body to make these kidneys stones in the first place?" he had no answer, more than that he was stunned by the question. the conversation went on and on getting now where. he even brought in another dr. to try to talk me into it..... i will try to remember more details tomorrow
but i want to get down the moment the day finally struck a spiritual cord...... i get back into the car and am relating all this to my dad. let me back up little.... i had made plans with my mom to drive me down, my dad is notoriously unsympathetic and i didn't want to spend the day with him when i already didn't feel good. don't get me wrong i adore my dad beyond words but when a girl hurts she just wants her mommy no matter how old she is, but a little twist of fate mom couldn't make the trip so at the last minute it was me and dad.
so i was telling dad blow by blow how i rocked that smarty pants dr.s world by refusing to submit.... and dad says "that is what killed my mother,......... mama had cervical cancer and the dr.s just gave her radiation treatments, till they burnt her up...... they are just 'practicing medicine' that is all they are doing now, that is what they want to do to you, they don't know what they are doing or what it will do to you."
it was my turn to be stunned, this is my gramma sarah. she died in paris texas in 1956......
i live my everyday on such a spiritual level, i forget to eat, i don't buy new clothes until i am forced (which dad was under strict instructions to get to a mall today and i came home with a pair of brown ballet flat crocs!) i believe everything existed before and i believe it will all continue to exist after we are "dead" from this world as we know it. the veil between this life and the next is very thin for me, i have spent many night on my knee asking God to let me out of here so i can come home..... but still i live. i tell myself to try to understand the reasons..... i am convinced there is a reason, specific things i am to accomplish.
i just try to put it all together, whilst trying not to be violated by modern civilization.....
i my own lame interpretation of my experiences of the last 3 months..... i will be getting some gramma sarah life stories written down and drinking gallons of lemon water to pass these kidneys stones by myself........ stay tuned!

believe it or not i really am tired of hearing myself complain, but things are looking up! tomorrow finally i am seeing urologist in mesa, so i have high hope this daily kidney pain is nearing an end. i am still at 50/50 am and pm. changes are on the horizon.....i dreamed last night i was in a house with a dirt floor (to dream of a house under construction is an omen of unexpected gain!)

ok i went to see my dr. about the cat scan done last week of my right kidney..... yay me i have 8 to 10 small kidney stones in my kidney..... i will go to the valley next week to see a urologist next week.
really really really rough week! aside from the shaking and headaches from stress, i am holding at 50 mg. am and pm. i am really glad i have kept a journal so i can read my back entries and remember why i am doing this....... i am feeling very frustrated! not just because of my situation, it is a chemical change. i have gone thru it enuf times to know it when i see it! i am starting to not feel like me anymore. well i am the really angry and illogical me who i don't want to be. and giving birth to a kidney stone every other day is not making this any easier!
i really am past the suicidal thoughts which i knew at the time, were not my own. and now i am just at the point that it sucks to be me so bad that i am forgetting the point of going on.......
holding holding holding on!
i am off to get star out of the tub and get her to bed, then i will 2 more percocets and a promethazine...... i hate drugs! i don't see how people become addicted! grrrrrrrrr!

sunday night, tomorrow is the start of star's last week of school....... this last week was a hard one! i was glad to spend time with my daughter and grandbaby, but it was hard to see them go! i miss st. george, i want out of taylor. i keep going to dr. appointments, i keep going to group, i keep reminding my self that i have given it to God, and i keep telling myself that i knew this was going to be a tough row to hoe when i started on it....... i just want things to be different now not later.......... hope hope hope is what i live on everyday and watch for the path God is preparing for me..........
still doing 50/50, and the oils dr. nichols gave me are making me sick......... i don't like being nauseous every day it is very bad for my moral!

well i didn't post saterday or sunday so i thought i would make a quick note now, i know i won't have time later..... mellie, dave and griffin are coming for the week! yay me!
they will be here i about an hour! i am so happy! well i am down to 50/50 and am holding, the manganese and the fish oil that dr. nichols gave me to start off have been making me very sick to my stomach! but it was to be expected, any kind of real cleansing feels sorta like the flu. very nauseous..... but i am sticking to the plan, mostly because it will be a no brainer while i have a week full of people! (: tune in next week.....

ok i went to see this dr. doug nichols today, oddly enough when i called this morning, he had a cancellation and could see at 11.... well i was in his office for about and hour and a half! he was so amazing, he worked right through his lunch with me.....as i tried to sum up the last 20 yrs in 20 minutes he started to ask questions which would seem unrelated to a neurological disorder,
"do you have painful period's, how much water do you drink, do you have regular bowel movements?" i am so beyond grateful to have found a dr. who can see the whole picture! it is like a miracle! i guess it is a miracle.....he had explanations why some drugs have worked for me when others have sent me into a tail spin. "how many kids did you have and how close together are they? did you breast feed and for how long, which things corresponded with the onset or worsening of seizure activity?"
he came up with a plan, which he wants to implement in stages, so that i can keep journaling to keep track how each thing effects me. i am to stay at the level of lamictal i am at while he helps me work to replenish the oils and minerals in my brain which are necessary for healthy brain activity.....
he gave me a b shot today, to help with stress, sent me home with a fish oil concentrate, and manganese drops, he said to continue with the milled flax seed but that i need to bump it up to 1/4 everyday.....
i am so happy to have someone on my team! the future looks bright!......

really hard week! aaron did come thru with a referral to a holistic dr. up here on the mountain, i will make contact with him this week.... for now i will stick with the dosage i am at and see what this dr. has to say..... stay tuned.....

panic panic panic!!!!!!! ahhhhhhh! i am so bugged to be going thru with drawl from a drug my dr. prescribed for me! i hate western medicine! panic panic panic! i can't stop...... grrrrrrr!

i always feel like i have to update on saterdays, because my little medicine organizer is one week of little pill boxes.... so as i refill my boxes i have to make a decision, how much drugs to take this coming up week. even though aaron said to "hold it right there" i have decided to keep reducing down to 50/50. then i will hold there until he comes up with some other plan!
so i took 50mg am and 75mg pm 3 days last week and 50mg am and pm the other 4 ....this week i am going for 50/75 two days and 50/50 for the other 5 days. i feel like i am so close to being down to 1/3 of the dosage i was at, i just can't resist pressing forward to reach that mile stone!
this week i have been completely consumed by my own thoughts..... i have tried to sort thru what deanna and i worked out, and i feel like my head is swimming. at first i tried to write it down, (she encouraged me to do so) but i think it is just gonna take a minute for me to get my head around what it all means....
she felt very strongly that i must find a way to go to school to do some kind counseling! (you have been down so many paths and been thru so much. the Lord has allowed you to have these experiences so that you can serve him by helping others....
when i was young i never thought of myself as being "religious" at all! i certainly never would have called myself a Jesus freak. i have come to a place where i am grateful to be able to release and let everyone believe in God as they understand him....
now deanna, in her amazing clarity, believes that every feeling you have is a direct result of what you have thought. i have gone to her with horrible back pain and she has simple said "well you have no support, close you eyes and say 'even though i have believed the lie that i have no support, i forgive myself, deeply love and respect myself' now invite the Savior in and ask him to take this pain, tell him you are sorry believing this lie and tell him that you except his offer of support"
as simple as that i have left her home with out pain many times. my neck bothers me on regular intervals, and again.... simply "the scriptures have talked to us about being a "stiff necked people, you have got to turn your will over the Lord, then you will be able to turn your head and see paths that the Lord have opened up for you, close you eyes and and say even though i have believed....." i decide along time ago that she knew someone i didn't, and just being the nosy person i am, i wanted to know what she knew! i have worked hard to find out.....
i think finally after our session the other day i am able to see my life as a collection of triumphs, experiences which i could use, if it were God's will, to help others learn to transcend their own struggles to get to a place of acceptance and peace. hmmmmm?! sounds like a lot of pressure!
i had the small hope to be clean my fall which i am not sure about now.....if i were able to do that maybe i could be ready to start school, i think there is enough help available now as opposed to 5 or 10 yrs ago (when i try school and bombed out) that i would be able to get enough help to do it.......
baby steps!

i went today to see my friend deanna! deanna and i have known each other for many years, i think we met taking a cranial sacral class together.....it is hard for me to remember that long ago! it just seems like we have known each other forever!
deanna went on from that class, has taken many others and has aloud God to turn her into an amazing spiritual healer! she has taken classes in reika, massage therapy, reflexology, fuen shie, generational healing, (bare with me, most of these words are not in the spell check which is the only way i can spell)
anyway you get the idea that she is amazing! now i have this ongoing issue with asking for help, which deanna knows about! "why do you wait so long to come?" is always the first question.....i stagger into her home today, my kidney killing me, with a headache from hell! and left there like a 3000 lb. weight had been lifted!
we did some work today that even she was couldn't believe! when we took our classes together we both knew right away it was work i couldn't do! "you think you are Jesus Christ, sarah, you are able to touch someone and help them to release their pain and fear, but instead of releasing to the light of Christ, you take it upon yourself!"
needless to say i have spent my whole life taking pain and fear from everyone around me! "here, that looks painful, let me handle that..... gosh that looks heavy and hurtful, let me take that for you!"
even though i know i am doing it, it has taken me a long time to figure out how to stop, and let me say that once you stop the people who you have been taking it from don't like it.......ok none of that, focus....
what happened today, i feel like i have taken a huge step forward! but at the same time i feel like i can take a minute to breathe.... deanna son Aaron was there, he is studying to do chinese medicine.... he is so cute! he was afraid for me to continue reducing on my own! "you realize that going off of these meds can cause suicidal thoughts?!" "yes i know! all i do is think of ways to kill myself, but i am feel very proud of myself that i have not done it, and i can feel that i am making progress battling the with drawl symptoms that i have had to deal with. "no you will hold it right there, and i will get in touch with some doctor's i know and trust and come up with a customized formula of chinese herbs to cleanse you out while you go off completely. don't reduce anymore by yourself!" thank you God for sending me the help i need!

i feel like i have a lot to get written down since the last time i posted.... i have had a lot of racing thoughts and have not really been able to focus, but i will try to get down everything..... the day planner help so very much! not so many thoughts of suicide, having a back up plan helped! this week i need to schedule in food though, i have a hard time with my appetite and have to concentrate to keep my weight up, i went to the dr. today and was 9 lbs under my self imposed minimum weight. will work on that.
i did good on the reducing schedule i set, this week i will do 50mg am and pm four days and 50/75 three days.....i am feeling more and more a pressing need to be off these meds! every time i see one of those horrid commercials for prescription drugs i listen to the list of side effects and tic off all the ones i have and start to panic...... my right kidney has been hurting off and on for 2 months, which is obviously worrisome, but my rash is completely gone, my headaches are greatly reduced, my panic attacks are much more random and my sleep pattern seems to be becoming more regular.... the cleansing idea seems to have been a good one too!
lots of water was good, this week i will start taking milk thistle and cayenne everyday to clean my liver and kidneys, and vitamin e and lecithin, good oils for the brain, lessen random electrical impulses.
ok what else.......i know there was something else but i can't think..... will update when it comes to me...... (: i love God, i love my life! i am grateful for my opportunity to be a marathon runner. i don't know it i have shared my analogy of the tests God have given us...."every ones test cant be equal, because every person is different. some spirits are like a person in a wheel chair and some are marathon runners" i don't know if that makes sense to anyone but me, i guess it is like the parable of the field workers.... i just keep working at it!
ok can i please say how much i love blog land!? i follow so many amazing bloggers! at any point of the day i am feeling down i can log on and be personally invited in to the homes, workshops and studios of people who live creative and spiritual lives and i remember that there is good in the world! i thank God little boost everyday! (:

ok crazy! now that i am working down toward a third of the lamictal i was taking 4 months ago, i am starting to have symptoms which i know are not the "real me" it's like i am going thru withdrawl. not that i have ever been an addict, but i seem to going thru what you hear about.
yesterday i did nothing but pace in circles! i have lots of muscle and joint pain where i shouldn't have any, i have been caught on my hamster wheel for days and all i can think about is how to kill myself
so i decided the thing to do is some cleansing to help release the built up toxicity! what a weird word! like some horrible urban village of filth......anyway, ok focus.... i started last week taking 3 or 4 tsp of honey/vinegar a couple of times a day, which has gotten rid of the joint pain. i did some yoga last night which helped and this morning after i took star to school i stopped at the track and did a couple of laps....
the plan for today is drink water! i am shooting for a gallon..... that should be fairly gentle cleansing..... more yoga this afternoon before i get star off the bus, spring cleaning between now and then.
mellie had a good idea for the thought control issue, i got myself a very pretty day planner, the idea being plan out every minute, shower, check..... get star from school, check......make dinner check...."then you will have a sense of accomplishment every min. and when you start thinking you want out of here, you can remember you have things you need to do" i love my daughter so much! it sounds like a good plan i'm on it!

this week i am going to try 50mg. am and pm at least two days and see how that goes..... i obviously have been hesitant to reduce too fast, but now i am feeling myself entering mental territory that i went back on meds to avoid the last time. i have been on and off meds for the last 20 years. i have chosen to be chemically altered to avoid experiencing reality the way my brain interprets it. i am having a hard time finding words to describe it. not because my brain has gone into "anti word find mode" but because there are no words. it is like trying to describe a color, how would you describe purple to a blind person?
one of the kind of seizures that i have "is to experience aura's" which means to smell, hear or see things other people don't. smells i have learned to ignore, the sounds are just ringing or buzzing (never voices, which is good because that would put me in the category of schizophrenia) it is what i see that bothers me most and has effected my life the most. the one thing which i am going to write about is the fact that i can see lights and colors around people, well all living things really. somehow through out my life time i have learned to interpret what each color means. well not really learned but somehow became aware. once i took one look at an elephant at a circus and burst out crying. whatever i knew i just knew and wished i didn't.
so as i slowly get closer and closer to being sober, well clean of prescription drugs, i have been and will be more and more aware of the truth, and i will be searching for ways to deal with the truths that i see....... this the part when i really want to kill myself. this is the part when i say i can't take one more day......
stay tuned.......

the past 5 days have been really rough ones! i feel like i need to journal what has been going on before i move on to the next whatever....... i was down to 50mg am and 75mg pm four days a week and 75/75 the other three...friday morning i woke up with a headache, i knew sunday was dad's birthday and everyone was supposed to get together......um yeah, panic!
now that i am trying to remember, it is all fuzzy......i think it was good friday so star was home from school, i tried to nip the headache in the bud by taking 2 fioricet, when that didn't touch it in 15 or 20 minutes i started to think i was in trouble...... my headache got worse fast, i started to get nauseous. i thought it was a migraine coming on, but then by about 10 my brain went into "anti word find mode." i started having tics (myo clonic) so i took a xanax and tried to sleep it off.
i really can't believe i got thru the day with out really having a fit! it was the worst chain of symptoms ever that didn't turn into a trip to the hospital!
being the vain spirit that i am, i am telling myself that it was a gift from God and a break thru in my effort to self control.... i am sure it doesn't sound like it, but it really was a miracle! it sounds like i took a lot of meds, but in medical terms that would be more familiar, i got thru what would have needed morphine with a tylenol pm.....
yay me!
the weekend was not fun, but i got thru it, i thought i was over the worst and quite proud of myself, then tuesday the dad called and said that he was moving on to plan "B" with the boy....that was a blow! but my support group have kicked it into high gear! i called rayna tuesday night and she spent two hours talking me thru it, mellie has called or text me every 30 min. for three days and mom will not let me out of her sight! i am blessed to have such amazing loved ones! cheri came over tonight and took me out with the girls!
i love life! i am so lucky, i know it sounds like it sucks to be me, but i am very proud to be a marathon runner! on second thought....maybe a triathlon! (:

the dr's i saw at burrrows institute of neurology had prescribed that i continue to reduce the lamictal and start on another anti seizure drug called topamax. i have been reducing my lamictal slowly for 6 months. i am now taking less than half of what i was a year ago and have had no real seizures.
i have done a lot of research on topamax and have decided not to start it...... it was a very hard decision and not one made without much prayer. lamictal was a last choice drug when i went on it 4yrs ago. pharmaceutical companies come up with new drugs all the time now and dr's prescribe them without any idea what they will do to any one given person.
to take a drug for any reason is scary, but to take one whose soul purpose is to alter brain activity is frightening beyond belief! to live life with a brain that i can't quite make do what i want is bad enough, but to wonder who i will be once i put that pill on my tongue and swallow it down....well after 20 years of playing medicinal russian roulette, i am not doing it any more.
i love Easter! i love my Savior! i am thankful for the life i have been given and i am grateful to have been given the chance to live by faith on a daily basis!
every person with epilepsy or with a loved one with epilepsy knows that a person can die of a seizure. so what that means to me is that at any moment i could find myself face to face with my Father in Heaven. many days it is a real hope! yay today might be it! i can't stand life one more day! please let me out today! other days i am happy to spend with the ones who know me love me anyway......
the number one side effect of topamax is suicide, so with one decision i have made the choice to leave it up to the Lord. i will continue to do the best i can with every day.......

ok it was not a cold, it is allergies! so bad all i can do is want to kill myself! my head itches, my face itches, i can't stop sneezing, my nose won't stop running! ahhhhhhhhh! i am violently angry i am so frustrated! i have been trying to pack all day. we are gonna leave in the morning to go to st. george for spring break. i made star two night gowns today for her vacation! she is so very excited and all i want to do it die!
i have taken 50 mg am and 75mg pm every night this week, i have a bite on the inside of my cheek, i think i had some kind of a seizure at some point in the last 24 hrs........

ok, just one more day and star and i will be off to st. george for spring break! i have a headache, this is the second day! i sorta have that feeling like i am getting sick, a cold i mean.......i have been soaking myself in thieves and taking emergen C.
i was trying to reduse to 50 mg in the morning but it was too much......the panic and the mania was bothering me! so i went back to 75 am and pm..... then last night i forgot to take a pill at all...... which means i am ready to reduce further. i think it was the stress, things seem to be leveling out for the moments so i will try a 50mg this morning, see how that goes........

i am having a really hard time keeping up! i went to burrows and saw a dr..... can't remember his name, who gave me the same diagnosis, juvienial myo clonic epilesy. i was feeling really hopeful to go but now i feel a huge let down. i don't know why i thought i would hear something new or better but i guess that was what i was hoping. i am continuing on my schedule to reduce my lamictal and i am having a hard time remembering if i am doing worse or better! i am taking 50mg in the morning and 75 at night. i am having a few more tics (myo clonic jerking) i am have a great deal more panic that i am dealing with everyday. the dr. said that is the epilesy itself. "to go thru life every day not knowing what will happen next is very scary and panic is very common!" i don't know why dr's think that to know that my suffering is explainable should make me feel better! anyway i am off to start my day.........i woke up in a panic so thought i should make a quick note, i am determined to hold it together! Heavenly Father please be with me today!

so much craziness going on, i can't keep up! last Saturday i went to chandler to get the boy out of rehab and sent him to Mexico with his father! Sunday and Monday were both beyond hard, i have stuck with 75mg morning and night. i went tuesday for an eeg at the hospital in showlow and i will go tomorrow to burrows in phx to see my new dr.

i so obviously i gave up on the post a day idea..... but i will take a minute to update, even though i have been crazy busy. which is way more exhausting than just being crazy! so i finally got dr nichols to call in a persciption for lamictal for me. he called in 100 mg. twice a day.... good thing i have spent the last 3 months reducing since my dr. was ready to just cut me by a third over night! jackass! so now i am down to 75mg twice a day with no side effects. my sleep patterns are much more normal, my panic is down by 75% and the rash on my back, neck and shoulders is gone..... now i will go down to 50mg in the am and 75mg @ night, we will see how things go.....
still daily nonsense with the boy, lawyers, court, cps, the dad, blah blah blah more later......s

amazingly the boy's father has shown up out of nowhere and decided to step up to the plate and take a turn..... we are moving quickly to get all the legal bullshit gone so that he can be cleared to go to mexico with the dud i mean dad.....
to catch up with what has been happening with my meds...... i am now down to 75mg lamictal twice a day.... it has not been easy, but at this point i feel much better. my rash is gone but has left scars which i hope are temporary. i am still very random in my thought process and forgetful but my panic has reduced by 100%! i am sleeping better and i can feel my body trying to detox
i just now took a really hot bath, hoping to leach out some of the toxicity from years of meds...... the sweat from the steam burned my skin and when i got out i was overcome with insane itching..... feeling better now tho....
my glands in my neck are swollen and sore! i keep drinking water to try to flush out what ever they are choked up with........
thinks are progressing in every good way!

more of the same...... sticking to my schedual, so much is changing so fast with the boy! i will have to update later.... i am so overwhelmed and exused i must go to bed and try to dream of a less complicated life!

one more day... but a little less stress, i can see the light at the end of the tunnel! still committed to reducing meds! i went to the dr. today to schedual more tests.... yay me! i love being hooked up to electrical devices! it makes me feel like a syborge on star trek......

i have not had anything to say for a few days! i have been over whelmed with court for my son! i am sticking to my alternating reducing schedule, today was 75mg am and 150mg of lamictal pm. i had to take a xanax just now, it is almost 11pm and i cant seem to relax. i have a dr. appt. tomorrow and will get be getting all new labs and eeg's, mri's, everything new to take to the burrows institute of neurology at St. Joes in Phoenix...... we will see what happens.
i have started taking cayenne pepper twice a day to assist with the detox, i am really feeling soooooo much better physically, but my mind is still really foggy

yesterday was a headache fog, i did 75/75. today i will do 75/150 and see how it goes no headache now, feeling a little shaky thought....

i woke up with a head ache! well i don't know if i woke up with it or if it struck hard and fast when i saw more and more and more snow out my bedroom window! 75mg lamictal, 300mg fioricet...... and it is only 9am......
it is now 9:30pm and i am glad it is almost over! today was a really hard day! lots of panic, it seems to be worse the day after 75/75. i took a xanax about noon.
star and i took out all of our art stuff and spent the day doing calligraphy. i wanted to work on my photography blog but my computer is not cooperating at all! today is the straw that broke the camels back! i am getting a new a new computer! mania always brings on cleaning frenzies, followed by the need to get new stuff! cycle after cycle after cycle, all the randomness is becoming so predictable!
here is hoping that tomorrow is easier to cope with! it should be better i just took 150mg. and am doing some writing before i try to get some sleep. an attempt to get off my hamster wheel might help! i am tired of the snow and all the chaos in the world is bothering me! i don't deal with thousands of people suffering in haiti! i can't not really feel hurt by it! God help us!

oh my friggen hell! i have been waiting weeks for my dr. to come up with a neurologist for me to see, since my old neurologist left the country on charges of inappropriate sexual conduct with a paceint. the jackass actually left the country! which i guess makes sense! this country is filled with hypocrites! why would i care if my drug dealer screws his other users? i have no delusions that he was going to cure me, i just need drugs. now i have to go thru hell to find someone else who has jumped thru enuf hoops to prescribe drugs in this over medicated country!
so finally my dr.s assist calls today to say that she found a group who will take me, but i need all new labs, eegs, mri's, cat scans and what ever other test they can dream up...........
could i please just die now? when will marijuana be legal in az!?
run down on todays meds as follows.....75mg lamictal 9 am, headache by 10, took 300mg fioricet, felt better briefly. cft for colt at 12 where he was told he will most likely go back to jail for running from rehab.....xanax at 2 and so goes an other day!!!
i decided to i would sell my soul to get back to st. geo! how does one get in touch with the devil?
so now we have reached the end of star's second snow day.... we are starting to get cabin fever which has no signs of letting up. they have already canceled school for tomorrow. we are snowed in in every direction, already 4 ft on the rim! there is no way off this mountain and it is supposed to keep snowing till sunday. ahhhhhhh ! 75mgs pm and i am off to bed........

i felt better today, no headache, still sorta dingy....75mg am 75mg pm maybe i am starting to level out?........

another headache! 75mg am 150mg pm.......

it is 8pm on monday, star stayed in her pj's all day i think she was needing a day off! i took 75 mgs of lamictal at 8 and just took 150 mg. i decided it best to spend a week alternating full doses and half evening doses and see how that goes. i took just a half last night and felt fine all day dispite the phone call of my son yesterday....... and on and on and on it goes......

i guess i didn't have anything to say yesterday.... it is all kind of a blur! apparently so many pain pills take a few days to ware off..... 75mg this morning, off to church.....
so now it is 8:30, yay almost bed time! while we were at church my son called. i think i said he is back in rehab, it is all really painful stuff! but i am glad i got to talk to him, this is the first time since he has been back
anyway the pain meds are starting to wear off and i am feeling more like my own randomly insane self. i am able to go longer and longer between doses before i start to feel it. usually the numbness in my mouth is the first thing i notice. but see now it is almost 11 hrs since my am 75mg, when just last week i couldn't go 8 hrs until i had to take an other 75mg.
did any of that make sense? just because i am not detoxing so hard, doesn't mean i am any less retarded! (:

migraine! meds as usual!? i don't get it! well it is not 10:30, the migraine is well hiden under layers of painkillers and i am off to bed.....

ok the stress of just being me has me wrapped in such an impenetrable FUNK today i can't begin to shake it! as far as the idea of weaning off of the lamictal.... my rash is so much better and i have not had a head ache in days. on the other hand, racing thoughts and ongoing panic is hard to deal with!
Saturday my son called. Tuesday dec. 29 he ran away from the lock down drug rehab center where he has been for a court ordered stay of 90days. So after no word at all for 11 days, he calls to say he had been arrested, was at that point in cps custody and is being taken back to rehab.
meanwhile my skin crawls, my head pounds, i can see the individual molecules of the solid objects around me spin and dance. spots and sparkles dominate my vision, the walls wave, and panic floods my world........
i took my first 75mg at 7 and am on my way to take a xanax before gather the courage to kill myself......
now it is 9pm, once i finished my last update i got busy and forgot to take a xanax. i obviously lived thru the rest of the day. a dear friend of mine called and invited me to go to our alanon group! i am glad i went, i feel better, i am going to take one more dose of 75mg of lamictal and try to get some sleep!

manic! crazy manic! i can't sleep and i am insane with spinning thoughts! right now it is 2am. 75mg yesterday am i was ok all day, by afternoon i was feeling very panicked and aggitated! i took a xanax at about 5 which didn't really help. i took my other 75mg at 8, i was so crazy aggravated, i took another 75mg about 30min later and passed out. now it is 2 and i am back up!
i will try alternating days of 75mg twice a day then 75mg three times a day!
ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhh! it sucks being me!!!

Today was much the same as yesterday, I took my 75 mg in the morning when I woke up. By 5 o'clock I was feeling dizzy and panicked again. I can tell in my sentences, my words are slightly slurred. I took a xanx about 6 and that helped with the panic, and have been drinking alot of water. I feel very very thirsty. I will take my next 75 mg right now (at 10 pm) and go to bed

Yesterday was fairly uneventful, and I took 75 millagrams in the morning and 150 that night. Today it has finally occurred to me that I am all over itchy. My back is all broke out and Im all over crazy itchy. I took my first 75 mll when I got up at 6 this morning, about 5 when I could tell that it was wearing off, i felt panicked and manic and my lips were numb. since im so itchy, i didnt want to take another 75 mg, so i tried to push through it. i tried to relax and calm down. I got * into bed and sat in the tub for 45 minutes. so now, 45 minutes later, i feel better. I do not feel manic and im not numb. The point being that i didnt take a pill and the symptoms went away on their own. so in about an hour i will take my other 75 mg and go to bed.

This is the first day that I have only taken 150 mg all together. YAY, this will all work out!!

well i have felt sort'a numb all day, after a really stress filled day i am always in a cloud for a few days after...75mg morning 150 at night....

i am going to make tonight's post very brief as well.... a lot of stress today! i took my second dose of 75mg at 5 and my third at 8, my head and face are still tingling! obviously seizure brain activity is aggravated by stress and today was especially bad! my latest diagnosis, which was done in 06, after many eeg's mri's and cat scans.... is "constant seizure activity" in other words every minute of everyday i have random electrical misfiring happening! so all i can do is try to navigate through it. i have not had a grand mal seizure since '97. but everyday is a struggle to mentally process every single minute! all i can do is hope tomorrow is better, i guess that is the hope everyday......

just a few quick words.... star woke me up at 4am and i never went back to sleep. i think the idea of 75mg three times a day was a good one! the ongoing headache has kinda dulled to a remember pain behind my eyes. the itching is still a bother, but less frequently.
on another note having to do with my son, i was blessed to find an al anon meeting here in town and went to my first meeting tonight. i am happy for the moment and on my way to bed for some much earned sleep!

today is a new day, well not so new.... i woke up with the headache from hell! i got star to school and took two fioricet, so it is hidden for the moment. it's 10:00am and i think i will force myself to take a minute and "talk about" acceptance! well first let me say how much i love therapy! i love going to professional councelers and dumping my inner most thoughts and feelings! i have always been OBSESSED with why!? i have a desire to understand why people act and say the things they do, and i am crazy to understand why i act and say the things i do! i so desperately strive to know how to "act" as opposed to "react"
a week ago yesterday my son colten ran from the drug rehab center where he has been locked up for over 90 days. enough about him lets talk about me (: i really feel that he had been given a really priceless opportunity to find out about himself. but as i have learned, no one wants to look at themselves!!!.... busy now, more later....
let me talk about what happend when i was writing befor, my bff called to say that a gal we knew growing up was diagnosed with stage 4 breast cancer and was given one month to live. that was kind of a blow to my friend, rayna is her name, this friend of ours, jean is her name, is married to rayna's first cousin. the four of us grew up with two blocks of each other, rayna herself has had and beat cancer twice, she had cervical cancer in '98 and thyroid cancer in '07. so we talked about jean and kinda was able to catagorize the reality and let it go for now.... so 2hrs later rayna called back and said she had just left her dr. who had found a spot on her last mamogram and wants to do a byopsy right away!
so obviously that was the last thing either of us wanted to hear right then! neither of us knew how to catigorize that and i spent most of the afternoon calling her back to check on her and make lame jokes about the situation.
the one good thing is that my headache seems to be gone for now and i felt ok all day. i took my second dose 75mg at 5pm and will take another befor i go to bed.
Heavenly Father, please bless us all tonight! please send angels to surround and protect us all!

getting up at 6 to take her to school is rough when i don't sleep! i will be so happy to off this lamictal completely! so i was finally able to force myself up this morning at 6:45 to get her ready, my face and the top of my head was tingling, i am not sure these days what these symptoms mean but i took my 75mg and had her to school by 8. it is 8:30, and now it is headache headache headache!!! i ate an english muffin and will take half a lortab..... ahhhhhhhhh! i hate being me today! freggin hell! now it is 10:00, i am seeing spots and my head is on fire! i can't understand what i am doing different or imagine what is the possible cause!
ok so i ended up taking a whole lortab and slept for 2 hours. when i woke up my headache was gone! it is crazy to me, now that it is gone i realize i have had a headache for about two weeks at least! i will go into more detail about the last two weeks later tonight when i have time to write but for now i wanted to document that i am very shaky and dizzy again, i just took my 150mg. it is 4:30.....
i am glad to report that the rash on my back and neck are looking and feeling much better...well it will start to itch now that i just took a pill but i mean in general......
alright, it is now 10pm. my headache is back and i am so itchy i could kill myself! so i have decided to cut the 150mg in half and take 75mg 3 times a day, thereby maintaining and amount in my system and avoid the too much lamictal (headache, itch) also avoiding the too little lamictal (shaky, dizzy)
its a plan! we'll start tomorrow! you know how hard it is for me to change my schedule....help! i live on a roller coaster!

what a really long day! star was back to school today and for whatever reason she was awake at 4:30am, i don't know what that was about but we were both exhausted by the time she fell asleep 15 minutes ago!
i took my 75mg of lamictal at 6am when i got up to take her to school, i had a really busy day of dealing with legal matters for my son, i will go into more detail about the stress that whole issue has added to my life when i am not retarded with fatigue!
finally we got home at 4:30, i had to pick her up from school and then go to the pharmacy to refill my xanax so that i can sleep tonight! i called my dr. today to get a referral for ANOTHER neurologist. all dr.s have a "god" complex but this one is especially stupid! he actually said to me when i told him of the never ending headaches, which i know are a side effect of the lamictal, "there are alot of people who have headaches who are not on lamictal" i can't even begin to understand what that means but i need another dr.!
anyway because i took my pill so early and had such a stressful day my eyes were swimming around in my head by 2, and i was completely dizzy, manic and my whole mouth was numb by the time we got home!
i don't remember why but it occured to me that maybe i am ready to start going to 75mg morning and night, maybe once or twice a week! oh yeah.... it was the reaction last night. i am not thinking and am going to take a xanax and hope for sleep!

good morning, i finally feel asleep last night after 12:00, i woke up this morning at 7:00 feeling very puffy and swollen. i don't know what that is about, i feel sorta hungover actually, weird. but i am also very shaky and my vision is blurry. i just took my 75mg, we will see how the day goes! g&g have plans for lots of company, so a lot of stress will be dealt out. i will document how i cope.......
ok it is 9am and it finally occurred to me what might have made a difference, usually i drink about a cup of half and half at bedtime and last night i didn't (ketogenitic diet) now i am seeing spots and have had a few tics (myocolonic jerking)
i really thought the word lunatics was a perfect title for my journal, for one reason when i am having myocolonic jerking i have always said "i am having tics" even before i knew the medical term for what was happening. second i have always noticed the effect of the full moon on my neurological activity. which really makes me feel very special that i am so connected to the universe! everyone wants to be me!!!
it is now 10:30am and i have real headache, i am going to take two fioricet and take star to church.......we'll see how this goes
i handled church, but my headache was sorta still there all day, i decided to by pass the company and take star to the movie, usually disney is slow moving enough not to bother me. i CAN NOT watch fast and furious movies, blinking lights and loud noises are known to cause seizures. i did really good and feel fine, my headache is gone and no itching. i am incouraged to see my body being able to go longer and longer periods of time with out the lamictal. it is now almost 8pm and i am not dizzy, i am not manic and i have no facial tingling or numbness in my mouth, when yesterday i was experiencing all those symptoms by 7......(: i am going now to take my 150mg....
well hell! i took my 150mg and sat in the tub for a min and started to shake and sweat! i cant stop! i took about 16oz of half and half and ate some gingersnaps... i don't know what this means, i can't think! i will take a xanax and do some deep breathing, maybe i am ready to go to 75mg morning and night...my rash is so itchy i could kill myself and i am very very nauseous!!!!

i decided that i would blog a little journal for myself, to document the daily travels of my journey to transcend epilepsy. i told myself that i would make a post everyday for one year! i think it is so perfectly me that my first post is on january 2!
i was diagnosed with having a seizure disorder in '93. then in '02 it was called epilepsy and now i think the correct term is a neurological disorder! what is it they say? "a rose by any other" whatever....
all i know is that i have just been me, for forty something years trying to figure out what the hell is going on! so.... oh yeah by the way, what the hell is going on?!
ok so at present i am weaning myself off of lamictal. quickly i am just going to document my physical symptoms at the moment.....when i made the decision to start to reduce i was taking 150mg in the morning and 150 at night. gradually and in my own chemically altered way i have reached the point where i am taking 75mg in the morning and 150mg at night. so now it is 7:30pm and the 75mg from morning is worn off, i am feeling very manic, my voice is getting progressively louder when i talk, i am having a problem completing my sentences. i feel a little shaky, somewhat dizzy and my tongue is numb.......
i took my 150mg right after i wrote the above comments and so now the rash on my back is itching and my head hurts, i will take a xanax and try to go to sleep, and see what happens tomorrow....