panic panic panic!!!!!!! ahhhhhhh! i am so bugged to be going thru with drawl from a drug my dr. prescribed for me! i hate western medicine! panic panic panic! i can't stop...... grrrrrrr!

i always feel like i have to update on saterdays, because my little medicine organizer is one week of little pill boxes.... so as i refill my boxes i have to make a decision, how much drugs to take this coming up week. even though aaron said to "hold it right there" i have decided to keep reducing down to 50/50. then i will hold there until he comes up with some other plan!
so i took 50mg am and 75mg pm 3 days last week and 50mg am and pm the other 4 ....this week i am going for 50/75 two days and 50/50 for the other 5 days. i feel like i am so close to being down to 1/3 of the dosage i was at, i just can't resist pressing forward to reach that mile stone!
this week i have been completely consumed by my own thoughts..... i have tried to sort thru what deanna and i worked out, and i feel like my head is swimming. at first i tried to write it down, (she encouraged me to do so) but i think it is just gonna take a minute for me to get my head around what it all means....
she felt very strongly that i must find a way to go to school to do some kind counseling! (you have been down so many paths and been thru so much. the Lord has allowed you to have these experiences so that you can serve him by helping others....
when i was young i never thought of myself as being "religious" at all! i certainly never would have called myself a Jesus freak. i have come to a place where i am grateful to be able to release and let everyone believe in God as they understand him....
now deanna, in her amazing clarity, believes that every feeling you have is a direct result of what you have thought. i have gone to her with horrible back pain and she has simple said "well you have no support, close you eyes and say 'even though i have believed the lie that i have no support, i forgive myself, deeply love and respect myself' now invite the Savior in and ask him to take this pain, tell him you are sorry believing this lie and tell him that you except his offer of support"
as simple as that i have left her home with out pain many times. my neck bothers me on regular intervals, and again.... simply "the scriptures have talked to us about being a "stiff necked people, you have got to turn your will over the Lord, then you will be able to turn your head and see paths that the Lord have opened up for you, close you eyes and and say even though i have believed....." i decide along time ago that she knew someone i didn't, and just being the nosy person i am, i wanted to know what she knew! i have worked hard to find out.....
i think finally after our session the other day i am able to see my life as a collection of triumphs, experiences which i could use, if it were God's will, to help others learn to transcend their own struggles to get to a place of acceptance and peace. hmmmmm?! sounds like a lot of pressure!
i had the small hope to be clean my fall which i am not sure about now.....if i were able to do that maybe i could be ready to start school, i think there is enough help available now as opposed to 5 or 10 yrs ago (when i try school and bombed out) that i would be able to get enough help to do it.......
baby steps!

i went today to see my friend deanna! deanna and i have known each other for many years, i think we met taking a cranial sacral class together.....it is hard for me to remember that long ago! it just seems like we have known each other forever!
deanna went on from that class, has taken many others and has aloud God to turn her into an amazing spiritual healer! she has taken classes in reika, massage therapy, reflexology, fuen shie, generational healing, (bare with me, most of these words are not in the spell check which is the only way i can spell)
anyway you get the idea that she is amazing! now i have this ongoing issue with asking for help, which deanna knows about! "why do you wait so long to come?" is always the first question.....i stagger into her home today, my kidney killing me, with a headache from hell! and left there like a 3000 lb. weight had been lifted!
we did some work today that even she was couldn't believe! when we took our classes together we both knew right away it was work i couldn't do! "you think you are Jesus Christ, sarah, you are able to touch someone and help them to release their pain and fear, but instead of releasing to the light of Christ, you take it upon yourself!"
needless to say i have spent my whole life taking pain and fear from everyone around me! "here, that looks painful, let me handle that..... gosh that looks heavy and hurtful, let me take that for you!"
even though i know i am doing it, it has taken me a long time to figure out how to stop, and let me say that once you stop the people who you have been taking it from don't like it.......ok none of that, focus....
what happened today, i feel like i have taken a huge step forward! but at the same time i feel like i can take a minute to breathe.... deanna son Aaron was there, he is studying to do chinese medicine.... he is so cute! he was afraid for me to continue reducing on my own! "you realize that going off of these meds can cause suicidal thoughts?!" "yes i know! all i do is think of ways to kill myself, but i am feel very proud of myself that i have not done it, and i can feel that i am making progress battling the with drawl symptoms that i have had to deal with. "no you will hold it right there, and i will get in touch with some doctor's i know and trust and come up with a customized formula of chinese herbs to cleanse you out while you go off completely. don't reduce anymore by yourself!" thank you God for sending me the help i need!

i feel like i have a lot to get written down since the last time i posted.... i have had a lot of racing thoughts and have not really been able to focus, but i will try to get down everything..... the day planner help so very much! not so many thoughts of suicide, having a back up plan helped! this week i need to schedule in food though, i have a hard time with my appetite and have to concentrate to keep my weight up, i went to the dr. today and was 9 lbs under my self imposed minimum weight. will work on that.
i did good on the reducing schedule i set, this week i will do 50mg am and pm four days and 50/75 three days.....i am feeling more and more a pressing need to be off these meds! every time i see one of those horrid commercials for prescription drugs i listen to the list of side effects and tic off all the ones i have and start to panic...... my right kidney has been hurting off and on for 2 months, which is obviously worrisome, but my rash is completely gone, my headaches are greatly reduced, my panic attacks are much more random and my sleep pattern seems to be becoming more regular.... the cleansing idea seems to have been a good one too!
lots of water was good, this week i will start taking milk thistle and cayenne everyday to clean my liver and kidneys, and vitamin e and lecithin, good oils for the brain, lessen random electrical impulses.
ok what else.......i know there was something else but i can't think..... will update when it comes to me...... (: i love God, i love my life! i am grateful for my opportunity to be a marathon runner. i don't know it i have shared my analogy of the tests God have given us...."every ones test cant be equal, because every person is different. some spirits are like a person in a wheel chair and some are marathon runners" i don't know if that makes sense to anyone but me, i guess it is like the parable of the field workers.... i just keep working at it!
ok can i please say how much i love blog land!? i follow so many amazing bloggers! at any point of the day i am feeling down i can log on and be personally invited in to the homes, workshops and studios of people who live creative and spiritual lives and i remember that there is good in the world! i thank God little boost everyday! (:

ok crazy! now that i am working down toward a third of the lamictal i was taking 4 months ago, i am starting to have symptoms which i know are not the "real me" it's like i am going thru withdrawl. not that i have ever been an addict, but i seem to going thru what you hear about.
yesterday i did nothing but pace in circles! i have lots of muscle and joint pain where i shouldn't have any, i have been caught on my hamster wheel for days and all i can think about is how to kill myself
so i decided the thing to do is some cleansing to help release the built up toxicity! what a weird word! like some horrible urban village of filth......anyway, ok focus.... i started last week taking 3 or 4 tsp of honey/vinegar a couple of times a day, which has gotten rid of the joint pain. i did some yoga last night which helped and this morning after i took star to school i stopped at the track and did a couple of laps....
the plan for today is drink water! i am shooting for a gallon..... that should be fairly gentle cleansing..... more yoga this afternoon before i get star off the bus, spring cleaning between now and then.
mellie had a good idea for the thought control issue, i got myself a very pretty day planner, the idea being plan out every minute, shower, check..... get star from school, check......make dinner check...."then you will have a sense of accomplishment every min. and when you start thinking you want out of here, you can remember you have things you need to do" i love my daughter so much! it sounds like a good plan i'm on it!

this week i am going to try 50mg. am and pm at least two days and see how that goes..... i obviously have been hesitant to reduce too fast, but now i am feeling myself entering mental territory that i went back on meds to avoid the last time. i have been on and off meds for the last 20 years. i have chosen to be chemically altered to avoid experiencing reality the way my brain interprets it. i am having a hard time finding words to describe it. not because my brain has gone into "anti word find mode" but because there are no words. it is like trying to describe a color, how would you describe purple to a blind person?
one of the kind of seizures that i have "is to experience aura's" which means to smell, hear or see things other people don't. smells i have learned to ignore, the sounds are just ringing or buzzing (never voices, which is good because that would put me in the category of schizophrenia) it is what i see that bothers me most and has effected my life the most. the one thing which i am going to write about is the fact that i can see lights and colors around people, well all living things really. somehow through out my life time i have learned to interpret what each color means. well not really learned but somehow became aware. once i took one look at an elephant at a circus and burst out crying. whatever i knew i just knew and wished i didn't.
so as i slowly get closer and closer to being sober, well clean of prescription drugs, i have been and will be more and more aware of the truth, and i will be searching for ways to deal with the truths that i see....... this the part when i really want to kill myself. this is the part when i say i can't take one more day......
stay tuned.......

the past 5 days have been really rough ones! i feel like i need to journal what has been going on before i move on to the next whatever....... i was down to 50mg am and 75mg pm four days a week and 75/75 the other three...friday morning i woke up with a headache, i knew sunday was dad's birthday and everyone was supposed to get together......um yeah, panic!
now that i am trying to remember, it is all fuzzy......i think it was good friday so star was home from school, i tried to nip the headache in the bud by taking 2 fioricet, when that didn't touch it in 15 or 20 minutes i started to think i was in trouble...... my headache got worse fast, i started to get nauseous. i thought it was a migraine coming on, but then by about 10 my brain went into "anti word find mode." i started having tics (myo clonic) so i took a xanax and tried to sleep it off.
i really can't believe i got thru the day with out really having a fit! it was the worst chain of symptoms ever that didn't turn into a trip to the hospital!
being the vain spirit that i am, i am telling myself that it was a gift from God and a break thru in my effort to self control.... i am sure it doesn't sound like it, but it really was a miracle! it sounds like i took a lot of meds, but in medical terms that would be more familiar, i got thru what would have needed morphine with a tylenol pm.....
yay me!
the weekend was not fun, but i got thru it, i thought i was over the worst and quite proud of myself, then tuesday the dad called and said that he was moving on to plan "B" with the boy....that was a blow! but my support group have kicked it into high gear! i called rayna tuesday night and she spent two hours talking me thru it, mellie has called or text me every 30 min. for three days and mom will not let me out of her sight! i am blessed to have such amazing loved ones! cheri came over tonight and took me out with the girls!
i love life! i am so lucky, i know it sounds like it sucks to be me, but i am very proud to be a marathon runner! on second thought....maybe a triathlon! (:

the dr's i saw at burrrows institute of neurology had prescribed that i continue to reduce the lamictal and start on another anti seizure drug called topamax. i have been reducing my lamictal slowly for 6 months. i am now taking less than half of what i was a year ago and have had no real seizures.
i have done a lot of research on topamax and have decided not to start it...... it was a very hard decision and not one made without much prayer. lamictal was a last choice drug when i went on it 4yrs ago. pharmaceutical companies come up with new drugs all the time now and dr's prescribe them without any idea what they will do to any one given person.
to take a drug for any reason is scary, but to take one whose soul purpose is to alter brain activity is frightening beyond belief! to live life with a brain that i can't quite make do what i want is bad enough, but to wonder who i will be once i put that pill on my tongue and swallow it down....well after 20 years of playing medicinal russian roulette, i am not doing it any more.
i love Easter! i love my Savior! i am thankful for the life i have been given and i am grateful to have been given the chance to live by faith on a daily basis!
every person with epilepsy or with a loved one with epilepsy knows that a person can die of a seizure. so what that means to me is that at any moment i could find myself face to face with my Father in Heaven. many days it is a real hope! yay today might be it! i can't stand life one more day! please let me out today! other days i am happy to spend with the ones who know me love me anyway......
the number one side effect of topamax is suicide, so with one decision i have made the choice to leave it up to the Lord. i will continue to do the best i can with every day.......