headache day 6... or is it 7? it is all starting to blur together! i guess i will go to the walk in clinic tonight and try to get a shot... of something... ok this is it i have to make an appointment and go back down to barrow's.... i am so tired of being wired up and having my brain waves mapped and analyzed! grrrrrrr! i am about tired of being me! holding on till november!

panic panic panic! what am i panicking about? who knows? who cares really! a crazy person doesn't need a reason! (: i am sticking to 50 mgs. morning and night.... i can't decide if i am going to have a heart attack or just throw up......

absolutely incredible full moon the past few nights! i can't sleep during a full moon..... yeah they don't call us lunatics for nothing! so basically i stay up all night and struggle with a monster headache all day...... i have been so jacked by the universe recently i have forgotten to take my pill 4 times this week..... which obviously made matters way worse! i am back on track..... well sorta
star has a part in the primary program at church yesterday..... i think i have the boy talked into coming with me.... "all they do at that church is try to brain wash you!" he says.... "well, who the hell doesn't want to be brain washed? (didn't you see igor?! i totally want to be brain washed!) look at all the stupid choices you have made.... hell! look at the horrible choices i have made! just go and get some ideas! once you decide what not to do ..... then you can decide what to do! i will take my camera and put some pictures on my blessings..... (i am not sure cameras are aloud in church..... but that is just how i roll.... that's right stop me before i kill!) lame i know! but who is to argue with me.....i have found that most people are scared of crazy people.....! (;

ok look! i am not going to stop losing weight if i don't stop feeling nauseous all the time! what the hell is my problem?! i just left my dr who thinks i am doing a great job? how is this great? is everyone who comes in 200 lbs over weight and looking for a way to lose weight? this is not great and i am starting to get scared!

i guess i should try to continue documenting what is going on even though it is not quite what would want it to be......the boy has been back with us for a little over a week, and i think the honeymoon period might be close to over.....
i am sticking to 50mgs morning and night..... i seem to have had at least two seizures of some sort since he has been here.... not that anyone has noticed, but i have had substantial bites in my mouth...... grrrrrrr! i have lost over 10lbs and am now much thinner than i would like.....grrrrrr! star keeps wetting the bed and keeps trying to mentally process how to regroup as a family.....grrrrrr!
i love having my son with me, but at this stage in his recovery.....he is like a giant infant, he did nothing but follow me thru the house till i got him into school, now when he is home, all i hear is "look at me, talk to me, pay attention to me" my poor star is feeling quite eclipsed! i can only be determined to help him push through to a place where he will have enough self esteem to sustain him and feel confident enough in his support system to have outside interests.....!
his ride to his support group just called and canceled so my plans of spending my evening with star and going to al anon are out, and i will be spending my whole evening driving to showlow, i will take star with me and we will go out to dinner and pretend it is a girls night out......"help me God" seems to be my mantra of my every minute!

ok i am going back to tuscon to get the boy tomorrow and he is coming back here with us........this is gonna be great! i feel good, i feel great, i feel wonderful! (:

doing better...... back up to 50 mg morning and night....... when i decided to rush off to deanna's i forgot today is a holiday so we will be going up the mountain for a picnic and to play in the creek! yay for hiking! it will be easy to stay in the now today! i am a hillbilly at heart! (:

had a really full on break down last night...... scary.....! i had reduced to 30mg morning and night.... obviously not ready for that.....
i have not talked much about what has gone on with my son over the last 2 yrs, i did mention that he went with his dad, but i need to share some over whelming information..... i am a strong believer of..... better out than in......!
when i made the decision to leave utah in '07 it was due to the fact that my son had started doing drugs and running away, shoplifting, stealing from me, i think the usual behavior of a boy who experienced a broken home.....
so 3yrs and 3 months later, time of ongoing nonsense..... he had a breakdown on tuesday.... i made a mad rush to get him into a physiological evaluation center in tucson that night (i came to the conclusion that highway 77 from showlow to tucson is the highway to hell!)
i thought i had been really suffering over the last 20 yrs being chemically imbalanced and electronically mis wired but now to see my children suffer with the same brain makeup as me.... friggen hell! ouch!
i tell myself that the medical information and the daily coping skills that i have learned.... well i feel the Lord has prepared me to help them....... i keep going to al anon every week, i have a prayer in my heart and in my thoughts every minute of everyday.... they say you can't beg the universe..... i think what i am doing is probably more like pestering endlessly... "God where are you?! God please bless us with the things that thou doest see that we stand in need of...."
we have a child and family team meeting on tuesday...... (have been blessed with a wonderful support group at the community counseling center in showlow and child protective services have been very evolved in helping me deal with his issues...... we have to decide on tuesday where to go from here, being an evaluation center and not a long term treatment center he will be ready to leave on thursday and we have to have a plan.......God help me!
i keep writing and hope that someday it will turn into something that can help others who struggle......
i tell myself that the journey is the destination and try to stay in the now.... today i will be doodling some celtic knots (art therapy) and violently cleaning.... i will limit my cleaning to the bathroom so i don't purge out my closets of everything i own.......coping coping coping.... i can so do this! (mantras help!)
monday i will be calling deanna......!