more of the same...... sticking to my schedual, so much is changing so fast with the boy! i will have to update later.... i am so overwhelmed and exused i must go to bed and try to dream of a less complicated life!

one more day... but a little less stress, i can see the light at the end of the tunnel! still committed to reducing meds! i went to the dr. today to schedual more tests.... yay me! i love being hooked up to electrical devices! it makes me feel like a syborge on star trek......

i have not had anything to say for a few days! i have been over whelmed with court for my son! i am sticking to my alternating reducing schedule, today was 75mg am and 150mg of lamictal pm. i had to take a xanax just now, it is almost 11pm and i cant seem to relax. i have a dr. appt. tomorrow and will get be getting all new labs and eeg's, mri's, everything new to take to the burrows institute of neurology at St. Joes in Phoenix...... we will see what happens.
i have started taking cayenne pepper twice a day to assist with the detox, i am really feeling soooooo much better physically, but my mind is still really foggy

yesterday was a headache fog, i did 75/75. today i will do 75/150 and see how it goes no headache now, feeling a little shaky thought....

i woke up with a head ache! well i don't know if i woke up with it or if it struck hard and fast when i saw more and more and more snow out my bedroom window! 75mg lamictal, 300mg fioricet...... and it is only 9am......
it is now 9:30pm and i am glad it is almost over! today was a really hard day! lots of panic, it seems to be worse the day after 75/75. i took a xanax about noon.
star and i took out all of our art stuff and spent the day doing calligraphy. i wanted to work on my photography blog but my computer is not cooperating at all! today is the straw that broke the camels back! i am getting a new a new computer! mania always brings on cleaning frenzies, followed by the need to get new stuff! cycle after cycle after cycle, all the randomness is becoming so predictable!
here is hoping that tomorrow is easier to cope with! it should be better i just took 150mg. and am doing some writing before i try to get some sleep. an attempt to get off my hamster wheel might help! i am tired of the snow and all the chaos in the world is bothering me! i don't deal with thousands of people suffering in haiti! i can't not really feel hurt by it! God help us!

oh my friggen hell! i have been waiting weeks for my dr. to come up with a neurologist for me to see, since my old neurologist left the country on charges of inappropriate sexual conduct with a paceint. the jackass actually left the country! which i guess makes sense! this country is filled with hypocrites! why would i care if my drug dealer screws his other users? i have no delusions that he was going to cure me, i just need drugs. now i have to go thru hell to find someone else who has jumped thru enuf hoops to prescribe drugs in this over medicated country!
so finally my dr.s assist calls today to say that she found a group who will take me, but i need all new labs, eegs, mri's, cat scans and what ever other test they can dream up...........
could i please just die now? when will marijuana be legal in az!?
run down on todays meds as follows.....75mg lamictal 9 am, headache by 10, took 300mg fioricet, felt better briefly. cft for colt at 12 where he was told he will most likely go back to jail for running from rehab.....xanax at 2 and so goes an other day!!!
i decided to i would sell my soul to get back to st. geo! how does one get in touch with the devil?
so now we have reached the end of star's second snow day.... we are starting to get cabin fever which has no signs of letting up. they have already canceled school for tomorrow. we are snowed in in every direction, already 4 ft on the rim! there is no way off this mountain and it is supposed to keep snowing till sunday. ahhhhhhh ! 75mgs pm and i am off to bed........

i felt better today, no headache, still sorta dingy....75mg am 75mg pm maybe i am starting to level out?........

another headache! 75mg am 150mg pm.......

it is 8pm on monday, star stayed in her pj's all day i think she was needing a day off! i took 75 mgs of lamictal at 8 and just took 150 mg. i decided it best to spend a week alternating full doses and half evening doses and see how that goes. i took just a half last night and felt fine all day dispite the phone call of my son yesterday....... and on and on and on it goes......

i guess i didn't have anything to say yesterday.... it is all kind of a blur! apparently so many pain pills take a few days to ware off..... 75mg this morning, off to church.....
so now it is 8:30, yay almost bed time! while we were at church my son called. i think i said he is back in rehab, it is all really painful stuff! but i am glad i got to talk to him, this is the first time since he has been back
anyway the pain meds are starting to wear off and i am feeling more like my own randomly insane self. i am able to go longer and longer between doses before i start to feel it. usually the numbness in my mouth is the first thing i notice. but see now it is almost 11 hrs since my am 75mg, when just last week i couldn't go 8 hrs until i had to take an other 75mg.
did any of that make sense? just because i am not detoxing so hard, doesn't mean i am any less retarded! (:

migraine! meds as usual!? i don't get it! well it is not 10:30, the migraine is well hiden under layers of painkillers and i am off to bed.....

ok the stress of just being me has me wrapped in such an impenetrable FUNK today i can't begin to shake it! as far as the idea of weaning off of the lamictal.... my rash is so much better and i have not had a head ache in days. on the other hand, racing thoughts and ongoing panic is hard to deal with!
Saturday my son called. Tuesday dec. 29 he ran away from the lock down drug rehab center where he has been for a court ordered stay of 90days. So after no word at all for 11 days, he calls to say he had been arrested, was at that point in cps custody and is being taken back to rehab.
meanwhile my skin crawls, my head pounds, i can see the individual molecules of the solid objects around me spin and dance. spots and sparkles dominate my vision, the walls wave, and panic floods my world........
i took my first 75mg at 7 and am on my way to take a xanax before gather the courage to kill myself......
now it is 9pm, once i finished my last update i got busy and forgot to take a xanax. i obviously lived thru the rest of the day. a dear friend of mine called and invited me to go to our alanon group! i am glad i went, i feel better, i am going to take one more dose of 75mg of lamictal and try to get some sleep!

manic! crazy manic! i can't sleep and i am insane with spinning thoughts! right now it is 2am. 75mg yesterday am i was ok all day, by afternoon i was feeling very panicked and aggitated! i took a xanax at about 5 which didn't really help. i took my other 75mg at 8, i was so crazy aggravated, i took another 75mg about 30min later and passed out. now it is 2 and i am back up!
i will try alternating days of 75mg twice a day then 75mg three times a day!
ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhh! it sucks being me!!!

Today was much the same as yesterday, I took my 75 mg in the morning when I woke up. By 5 o'clock I was feeling dizzy and panicked again. I can tell in my sentences, my words are slightly slurred. I took a xanx about 6 and that helped with the panic, and have been drinking alot of water. I feel very very thirsty. I will take my next 75 mg right now (at 10 pm) and go to bed

Yesterday was fairly uneventful, and I took 75 millagrams in the morning and 150 that night. Today it has finally occurred to me that I am all over itchy. My back is all broke out and Im all over crazy itchy. I took my first 75 mll when I got up at 6 this morning, about 5 when I could tell that it was wearing off, i felt panicked and manic and my lips were numb. since im so itchy, i didnt want to take another 75 mg, so i tried to push through it. i tried to relax and calm down. I got * into bed and sat in the tub for 45 minutes. so now, 45 minutes later, i feel better. I do not feel manic and im not numb. The point being that i didnt take a pill and the symptoms went away on their own. so in about an hour i will take my other 75 mg and go to bed.

This is the first day that I have only taken 150 mg all together. YAY, this will all work out!!

well i have felt sort'a numb all day, after a really stress filled day i am always in a cloud for a few days after...75mg morning 150 at night....

i am going to make tonight's post very brief as well.... a lot of stress today! i took my second dose of 75mg at 5 and my third at 8, my head and face are still tingling! obviously seizure brain activity is aggravated by stress and today was especially bad! my latest diagnosis, which was done in 06, after many eeg's mri's and cat scans.... is "constant seizure activity" in other words every minute of everyday i have random electrical misfiring happening! so all i can do is try to navigate through it. i have not had a grand mal seizure since '97. but everyday is a struggle to mentally process every single minute! all i can do is hope tomorrow is better, i guess that is the hope everyday......

just a few quick words.... star woke me up at 4am and i never went back to sleep. i think the idea of 75mg three times a day was a good one! the ongoing headache has kinda dulled to a remember pain behind my eyes. the itching is still a bother, but less frequently.
on another note having to do with my son, i was blessed to find an al anon meeting here in town and went to my first meeting tonight. i am happy for the moment and on my way to bed for some much earned sleep!

today is a new day, well not so new.... i woke up with the headache from hell! i got star to school and took two fioricet, so it is hidden for the moment. it's 10:00am and i think i will force myself to take a minute and "talk about" acceptance! well first let me say how much i love therapy! i love going to professional councelers and dumping my inner most thoughts and feelings! i have always been OBSESSED with why!? i have a desire to understand why people act and say the things they do, and i am crazy to understand why i act and say the things i do! i so desperately strive to know how to "act" as opposed to "react"
a week ago yesterday my son colten ran from the drug rehab center where he has been locked up for over 90 days. enough about him lets talk about me (: i really feel that he had been given a really priceless opportunity to find out about himself. but as i have learned, no one wants to look at themselves!!!.... busy now, more later....
let me talk about what happend when i was writing befor, my bff called to say that a gal we knew growing up was diagnosed with stage 4 breast cancer and was given one month to live. that was kind of a blow to my friend, rayna is her name, this friend of ours, jean is her name, is married to rayna's first cousin. the four of us grew up with two blocks of each other, rayna herself has had and beat cancer twice, she had cervical cancer in '98 and thyroid cancer in '07. so we talked about jean and kinda was able to catagorize the reality and let it go for now.... so 2hrs later rayna called back and said she had just left her dr. who had found a spot on her last mamogram and wants to do a byopsy right away!
so obviously that was the last thing either of us wanted to hear right then! neither of us knew how to catigorize that and i spent most of the afternoon calling her back to check on her and make lame jokes about the situation.
the one good thing is that my headache seems to be gone for now and i felt ok all day. i took my second dose 75mg at 5pm and will take another befor i go to bed.
Heavenly Father, please bless us all tonight! please send angels to surround and protect us all!

getting up at 6 to take her to school is rough when i don't sleep! i will be so happy to off this lamictal completely! so i was finally able to force myself up this morning at 6:45 to get her ready, my face and the top of my head was tingling, i am not sure these days what these symptoms mean but i took my 75mg and had her to school by 8. it is 8:30, and now it is headache headache headache!!! i ate an english muffin and will take half a lortab..... ahhhhhhhhh! i hate being me today! freggin hell! now it is 10:00, i am seeing spots and my head is on fire! i can't understand what i am doing different or imagine what is the possible cause!
ok so i ended up taking a whole lortab and slept for 2 hours. when i woke up my headache was gone! it is crazy to me, now that it is gone i realize i have had a headache for about two weeks at least! i will go into more detail about the last two weeks later tonight when i have time to write but for now i wanted to document that i am very shaky and dizzy again, i just took my 150mg. it is 4:30.....
i am glad to report that the rash on my back and neck are looking and feeling much better...well it will start to itch now that i just took a pill but i mean in general......
alright, it is now 10pm. my headache is back and i am so itchy i could kill myself! so i have decided to cut the 150mg in half and take 75mg 3 times a day, thereby maintaining and amount in my system and avoid the too much lamictal (headache, itch) also avoiding the too little lamictal (shaky, dizzy)
its a plan! we'll start tomorrow! you know how hard it is for me to change my schedule....help! i live on a roller coaster!

what a really long day! star was back to school today and for whatever reason she was awake at 4:30am, i don't know what that was about but we were both exhausted by the time she fell asleep 15 minutes ago!
i took my 75mg of lamictal at 6am when i got up to take her to school, i had a really busy day of dealing with legal matters for my son, i will go into more detail about the stress that whole issue has added to my life when i am not retarded with fatigue!
finally we got home at 4:30, i had to pick her up from school and then go to the pharmacy to refill my xanax so that i can sleep tonight! i called my dr. today to get a referral for ANOTHER neurologist. all dr.s have a "god" complex but this one is especially stupid! he actually said to me when i told him of the never ending headaches, which i know are a side effect of the lamictal, "there are alot of people who have headaches who are not on lamictal" i can't even begin to understand what that means but i need another dr.!
anyway because i took my pill so early and had such a stressful day my eyes were swimming around in my head by 2, and i was completely dizzy, manic and my whole mouth was numb by the time we got home!
i don't remember why but it occured to me that maybe i am ready to start going to 75mg morning and night, maybe once or twice a week! oh yeah.... it was the reaction last night. i am not thinking and am going to take a xanax and hope for sleep!

good morning, i finally feel asleep last night after 12:00, i woke up this morning at 7:00 feeling very puffy and swollen. i don't know what that is about, i feel sorta hungover actually, weird. but i am also very shaky and my vision is blurry. i just took my 75mg, we will see how the day goes! g&g have plans for lots of company, so a lot of stress will be dealt out. i will document how i cope.......
ok it is 9am and it finally occurred to me what might have made a difference, usually i drink about a cup of half and half at bedtime and last night i didn't (ketogenitic diet) now i am seeing spots and have had a few tics (myocolonic jerking)
i really thought the word lunatics was a perfect title for my journal, for one reason when i am having myocolonic jerking i have always said "i am having tics" even before i knew the medical term for what was happening. second i have always noticed the effect of the full moon on my neurological activity. which really makes me feel very special that i am so connected to the universe! everyone wants to be me!!!
it is now 10:30am and i have real headache, i am going to take two fioricet and take star to church.......we'll see how this goes
i handled church, but my headache was sorta still there all day, i decided to by pass the company and take star to the movie, usually disney is slow moving enough not to bother me. i CAN NOT watch fast and furious movies, blinking lights and loud noises are known to cause seizures. i did really good and feel fine, my headache is gone and no itching. i am incouraged to see my body being able to go longer and longer periods of time with out the lamictal. it is now almost 8pm and i am not dizzy, i am not manic and i have no facial tingling or numbness in my mouth, when yesterday i was experiencing all those symptoms by 7......(: i am going now to take my 150mg....
well hell! i took my 150mg and sat in the tub for a min and started to shake and sweat! i cant stop! i took about 16oz of half and half and ate some gingersnaps... i don't know what this means, i can't think! i will take a xanax and do some deep breathing, maybe i am ready to go to 75mg morning and night...my rash is so itchy i could kill myself and i am very very nauseous!!!!

i decided that i would blog a little journal for myself, to document the daily travels of my journey to transcend epilepsy. i told myself that i would make a post everyday for one year! i think it is so perfectly me that my first post is on january 2!
i was diagnosed with having a seizure disorder in '93. then in '02 it was called epilepsy and now i think the correct term is a neurological disorder! what is it they say? "a rose by any other" whatever....
all i know is that i have just been me, for forty something years trying to figure out what the hell is going on! so.... oh yeah by the way, what the hell is going on?!
ok so at present i am weaning myself off of lamictal. quickly i am just going to document my physical symptoms at the moment.....when i made the decision to start to reduce i was taking 150mg in the morning and 150 at night. gradually and in my own chemically altered way i have reached the point where i am taking 75mg in the morning and 150mg at night. so now it is 7:30pm and the 75mg from morning is worn off, i am feeling very manic, my voice is getting progressively louder when i talk, i am having a problem completing my sentences. i feel a little shaky, somewhat dizzy and my tongue is numb.......
i took my 150mg right after i wrote the above comments and so now the rash on my back is itching and my head hurts, i will take a xanax and try to go to sleep, and see what happens tomorrow....