i went to the college today and met with a counselor whom i told "i want a degree in physiology, i have a form of epilepsy....i am not retarded, i am bright, i am hardworking, you get federal money to help the disabled, you're gonna help me or i will get an attorney and sue you for discrimination!"
i was shocked at her response..... "we can so do this! take these forms and fill them out, bring them back and we will get to work! your gonna do great!" i don't know what i expected but that was not it......
(my daughter and i had a discussion this week, she lovingly told me "mom rage is a great place to be, it is where things get done! get pissed and make it happen! you can do it!)
crazy crazy craziness! stay tuned! (:

my sisters are with out a doubt a coven of witches!

ok i decide i would take an extra 50ml a day for a few days....... best to be safe....! am feeling a bit manic already and no one is even here yet, mel and the baby boy will be here tonight!

today seems to be wednesday.... this weekend alot of family will be gathering here for the 24 of july. apparently "the saints" reached the salt lake valley on the 24th of july and the prophet declared "this is the place." so the 24th is celebrated in lds communities with parades, BBQ, dances, and rodeos..... (in utah it is a state holiday, the banks, schools, post offices, everything shuts down) it is a fun little custom, sorta i guess. every tribe has it's customs and rituals, it is the thing that social groups are made of, at this point i understand that and i realize that people have to have their reasons to get together, yeah i get it!
but the last grand mal seizure i had was on the 24th of july. my parents owned a home which was on the parade route and the streets were lined with people, some idiot found me having a seizure and called 911 and they drove me in a ambulance in front of the parade to the er..... ahhhh! it sounds worse now that i say it out loud...... i think i am gonna throw up. brb

i am about to share some girlie girl information, so if you don't want tmi girl info stop reading now.... when i gave birth to star in 04,.... well both before then and after....there were complications and i had to have some unwanted, live saving, life long damage causing, procedures done,... so long story short because of damage, my girl time of the month was going longer than the usual 3 to 4 days, then it started lasting longer... then longer, then it was lasting longer then the rest of the month put together... so last year i had a procedure done called "thermal ablation" which i won't go into to many gross girl details but because of swirling boiling hot water, my uterus no longer prepares itself for a baby and it no longer gets rid of those preparatory materials.
but sometimes my body forgets we are not doing that anymore and still has cramps and i still get randomly cranky..... it is so weird when that happens i have to remember that my ovaries and my body chemistry is still going on the old game plan..... (message to self- WE ARE NOT HAVING PERIODS ANYMORE!) i am finding a midol!

ok so we went to see the last air bender. the boy picked it, he and i have gone on little mom and boy dates a few times since he came back from the duds but this is the first time he felt ready to see the baby. it was so cute she held his hand thru the whole movie and when he saw how she struggled to sit still thru the grown up and boring to a 5 yr old girl story line, he promised to take her to see toy story 3 for our next family night! huge step for a 16 year old boy to recognize how someone else has sacrificed their happiness for his own and promise to do the same in return! big steps!
he is staying at a group home up on the mountain, and asked if his room mate could come "just so he can get out of the house" i wanted to say no, so star and i could have him all to ourselves, but that little voice whispered yes...... (so i wore my new hippy skirt found in jerome last week and my longest dangle earrings) and as we sit down to wait for the movie to start i hear the friend whisper to the boy "i like your mom, she reminds me of my grandmother, she's a gypsy" i smiled to myself thinking he was using the word meaning a tree hugger or a hippy. but when we were having burgers after the movie, the friend told us his story, his grandmother immigrated from romainia and was an actual nomadic gypsy... he was abbandoned by his mother up on the mountain..... i think the universe has placed my son where he is learning how life looks to people other than the spoiled over indulged generation he has grown up with....... thank you Heavenly Father!
i wanted to mention, i thought it was cute that he had to brag to his friend that when star was born he named her star.... i felt really grateful that the universe has put him in a position to see and appreciate what he has been given......

i am teetering at 50mg morning and 50 mg of lamictal @night. i am aware of my brain struggling to relearn to communicate with itself..... this summer has been very busy and emotionally charged! today i am off to take my boy and my baby to see a movie, it sounds easy enuf but it is real mile stone! more details on that whole deal later.
i have been very shaky this whole week, not emotionally shaky, i mean physically shaking hands and muscles.... i feel myself being more and more dependent on my fiorecet. which is what was to be expected, my brain is searching for another crutch as it is slowly learning to not rely on the lamictal....
i stumbled on a charlie rose 10 part special on understanding the brain on pbs. amazing stuff! i just caught episode 9......

so i gave up on being manic at home and just ran away instead! (sorry carpets) running away is one of my favorite things to do! going back is the hard part.... as i am getting closer and closer to being drug free i am feeling more and more like the real me and less like the i'm so drugged i can lie about life me..... which is good for me but not so good for those around me who try to hide from the truth of their lives.... or lies, which ever is the appropriate word for what they live! i am thanking God for toni! i know i would not have made it through this week without her taking care of me everyday!
i am feeling a real amount of accountability! friggen doctors are stupid! being without star all week i have had way to much time to think, and if i had decided now was the time to check out, it would be easy enough.......if giving a crazy person enough drugs to kill themselves is considered good medicine, i can see it is past time for me to medicate myself....... did that make any sense?........since i don't know what i am talking about, i guess it does.......