everyone is completely frozen, everything within a hundred miles is under about a foot of ice... the coldness blows through me like a reed....! i don't belong up here i can feel it shiver me to my core! i see the others around me all fluffy and warm... all snugly and separate from me...
ok to address the idea of a year long journal...yes it is new years eve.... so what?! hmmmm i am still on two of the four meds i spent the last year trying to take myself off of.... i think the real road block didn't come from detoxing as i thought it would.... i seem to have hit a brick wall on the idea of addiction... i am completely addicted to anti seizure meidications... so now my choice is, yeah what is my choice from here?!
how to sum up a whole years failure vs. success on such a clear goal as being clean from foreign chemicals... oh hell i think i thought of it as just quitting chocolate or something... now a year later why am i still on chocolate... i mean lamictal....
ok let's discuss symptoms.... it is now 8 something at night and i have not had a pill since 7 this morning... so now that i can feel the drug wearing off of my system my muscles are shaking... my heart is pounding... i have gone down below my target weight for my height and am sickly thin at 119 lbs... which is by the way really gross... i have always been a big framed girl... all the women in my family are and always have been... pioneer women who worked like men... i have always said 118 is my limit... note to self eat food...
i seriously think my head is going to explode... seriously...! in 1985 i had a car accident at the top of the rim in which i drove myself off a 40 foot cliff and shattered my nose and left cheek bone... yeah ouch even now... a storm system like this could be the death of me.... soooooo cold and off my pain pills though... wait was that a good thing? yes let's just move down off the mountain which has been trying to kill me for years and settle in by the river... yeah let's do that and we won't need pain pills for headaches all winter...
ok wait i think i just switched into talking in third person.... yeah maybe this is why i shouldn't write... i have split personality disorder... (i have learned over the last year that any thing with the word disorder on the end of it is a reason to medicate...."oh yeah i have scratch my mother in law's face off disorder, so sorry"....
lamictal is not only just prescribed for epilespy it is also to be taken for bi-polar disorder... go figure.... would you think maybe now that i can feel the mania coming on.... ok when my daughter was leaving this morning she actually came into the bedroom where i was and said "mother would you stop being so manic and come out here and eat with us?!" yea so mania anorexia anyone?
i am so bizzy i don't know if i lost my horse or found a rope...!
happy new year.... welcome to the year of the rabbit.....s.....

all three of us have been soooooooo sick with some kind of funk! coughing coughing coughing! the issue with bob has escalated to a point that i really didn't foresee... sounds strange to say it out loud but i really didn't see this coming... my hell! not again!
i have got to get to al anon! the boy totally stubbed his toe this last week everything seem to have been spiraling downward...
i going to get us all to Deanna's today....!

yeah so i have been panicking all day... was slightly productive and was sorta able to push past it... the stress is getting to me... yeah one more story from the life of horrors! readers beware... the following information may be disturbing....
in 2003 i found myself a victim of a very frighting situation of domestic violence! star was born after i got out... she has only seen her father a handful of times... he is insisting to take her for Christmas she just keep saying "no thanks dad, i don't want to go"
and he has turned into his usual insane rage-aholic self .... she is so freaking out... grrrrr! it's all going to get so much better very soon.....! Please God!

sometimes i just get tired of talking about it... but i guess that is what journaling is all about? getting it out?! well first the good news i started work saturday it was good to come home with money in my pocket...
now the bad news... we had our health insurance canceled because of my sons income... yes that is right my son at the age of 16 makes too much money for us to qualify for low income health benefits... the taxes filed for his social security number in a town 5 hrs from here put us over the income limit...
how does a 16 yr old boy who is a full time student with no car work make that much money in a city 5 hrs away you may ask? yeah that is what i asked.... "well obviously someone is using his social security number illegally, so go home and call these credit agencies... file a police report... and call the number of the place where the number is being used...." "so you are telling me there is nothing you can do?!" "that's right... go home... "
the police told us the same thing.... go home and good luck...
anyone who thinks illegals are not ruining our country just hasn't had their turn to wake up yet...

ok i have tried to keep the lunatics mostly about my meds but i have to share the worst day ever! yes i know what you are thinking.... yes seriously the worse ever...
we were at the pharmacy haggling with the pharmacist about whether or not my insurance was going to cover some penicillin and an amazingly kind soul paid for our meds... in front of a store full of people... seriously i just didn't have money with me... i really could have handled it...i can't believe i didn't hit the floor... i thought i was going to seize up!!!
weird, he is probably somewhere feeling pretty good about himself... me? i am the biggest loser! why is it so much harder to receive than to give?! ouch!