had a really full on break down last night...... scary.....! i had reduced to 30mg morning and night.... obviously not ready for that.....
i have not talked much about what has gone on with my son over the last 2 yrs, i did mention that he went with his dad, but i need to share some over whelming information..... i am a strong believer of..... better out than in......!
when i made the decision to leave utah in '07 it was due to the fact that my son had started doing drugs and running away, shoplifting, stealing from me, i think the usual behavior of a boy who experienced a broken home.....
so 3yrs and 3 months later, time of ongoing nonsense..... he had a breakdown on tuesday.... i made a mad rush to get him into a physiological evaluation center in tucson that night (i came to the conclusion that highway 77 from showlow to tucson is the highway to hell!)
i thought i had been really suffering over the last 20 yrs being chemically imbalanced and electronically mis wired but now to see my children suffer with the same brain makeup as me.... friggen hell! ouch!
i tell myself that the medical information and the daily coping skills that i have learned.... well i feel the Lord has prepared me to help them....... i keep going to al anon every week, i have a prayer in my heart and in my thoughts every minute of everyday.... they say you can't beg the universe..... i think what i am doing is probably more like pestering endlessly... "God where are you?! God please bless us with the things that thou doest see that we stand in need of...."
we have a child and family team meeting on tuesday...... (have been blessed with a wonderful support group at the community counseling center in showlow and child protective services have been very evolved in helping me deal with his issues...... we have to decide on tuesday where to go from here, being an evaluation center and not a long term treatment center he will be ready to leave on thursday and we have to have a plan.......God help me!
i keep writing and hope that someday it will turn into something that can help others who struggle......
i tell myself that the journey is the destination and try to stay in the now.... today i will be doodling some celtic knots (art therapy) and violently cleaning.... i will limit my cleaning to the bathroom so i don't purge out my closets of everything i own.......coping coping coping.... i can so do this! (mantras help!)
monday i will be calling deanna......!