everyone is completely frozen, everything within a hundred miles is under about a foot of ice... the coldness blows through me like a reed....! i don't belong up here i can feel it shiver me to my core! i see the others around me all fluffy and warm... all snugly and separate from me...
ok to address the idea of a year long journal...yes it is new years eve.... so what?! hmmmm i am still on two of the four meds i spent the last year trying to take myself off of.... i think the real road block didn't come from detoxing as i thought it would.... i seem to have hit a brick wall on the idea of addiction... i am completely addicted to anti seizure meidications... so now my choice is, yeah what is my choice from here?!
how to sum up a whole years failure vs. success on such a clear goal as being clean from foreign chemicals... oh hell i think i thought of it as just quitting chocolate or something... now a year later why am i still on chocolate... i mean lamictal....
ok let's discuss symptoms.... it is now 8 something at night and i have not had a pill since 7 this morning... so now that i can feel the drug wearing off of my system my muscles are shaking... my heart is pounding... i have gone down below my target weight for my height and am sickly thin at 119 lbs... which is by the way really gross... i have always been a big framed girl... all the women in my family are and always have been... pioneer women who worked like men... i have always said 118 is my limit... note to self eat food...
i seriously think my head is going to explode... seriously...! in 1985 i had a car accident at the top of the rim in which i drove myself off a 40 foot cliff and shattered my nose and left cheek bone... yeah ouch even now... a storm system like this could be the death of me.... soooooo cold and off my pain pills though... wait was that a good thing? yes let's just move down off the mountain which has been trying to kill me for years and settle in by the river... yeah let's do that and we won't need pain pills for headaches all winter...
ok wait i think i just switched into talking in third person.... yeah maybe this is why i shouldn't write... i have split personality disorder... (i have learned over the last year that any thing with the word disorder on the end of it is a reason to medicate...."oh yeah i have scratch my mother in law's face off disorder, so sorry"....
lamictal is not only just prescribed for epilespy it is also to be taken for bi-polar disorder... go figure.... would you think maybe now that i can feel the mania coming on.... ok when my daughter was leaving this morning she actually came into the bedroom where i was and said "mother would you stop being so manic and come out here and eat with us?!" yea so mania anorexia anyone?
i am so bizzy i don't know if i lost my horse or found a rope...!
happy new year.... welcome to the year of the rabbit.....s.....