hi there! i am home, gosh what a long day! i am going to get down quickly what happened today, i am exhausted and i just took a percocet so please bare with me, i want to get it documented before i wake up in the morning and it is all a blur......
we drove down to mesa to see this "team of specialist" first off i was the only person in the office under the age of 110! creepy! so i give them at the front desk the "film of my cat scan" which was about 200 lbs of x ray pictures, and i wait in the waiting room while they look at it and then i am called back and taken into an examining room to discuss their "findings"
the walls are covered with medical pictures of the insides of peoples bodies showing their bladders, kidneys etc...... gross and creepy and i am starting to panic. i will not sit on any of the chairs or set my stuff down on any thing and the dr. comes in to find me putting hand sanitizer on my hands.
so he sits down and condescendingly says "tell me" i quickly sum up where it hurts how long it has been hurting and what my general practitioner has done thus far. he just keeps saying "uhhh haaa" so i ask he if he looked at my film..... he looks at me and hesitates. so i try to make a joke, "yeah i tried to look at them and the only thing which looked like me at all was the side view from my shoulder to my hip, which i am going to make my new fb profile photo"
he laughed at that and said as he drew on a dry erase board, "you see your kidney is shaped like this, the outside ring is muscle, the inside is where kidney stones usually cling to the walls until they let go and are funneled down thru this tube into your bladder. all of your stones are up here in the muscle where i can't get at them with the blasting sound waves procedure, so we will go in with this scope and put in a stint which will stay there for 7 to 10 days. we will do a laser burning procedure which would get them out, if they were where i could get to them. but since they are up in the muscle i am not sure i will be able to get at them but will try it and see what happens."
i said "no you will not." he looks at me and says "i will not what?" i said, "i am not going to some hospital to be exposed to germs that could kill me, for you to violate me in every horrifying way you can think of, put foreign objects in my body and leave them there for a week or ten days for reasons you can't even explain in the the hopes of results that you don't even pretend to guarantee."
he was speechless! i asked him, "what is causing my body to make these kidneys stones in the first place?" he had no answer, more than that he was stunned by the question. the conversation went on and on getting now where. he even brought in another dr. to try to talk me into it..... i will try to remember more details tomorrow
but i want to get down the moment the day finally struck a spiritual cord...... i get back into the car and am relating all this to my dad. let me back up little.... i had made plans with my mom to drive me down, my dad is notoriously unsympathetic and i didn't want to spend the day with him when i already didn't feel good. don't get me wrong i adore my dad beyond words but when a girl hurts she just wants her mommy no matter how old she is, but a little twist of fate mom couldn't make the trip so at the last minute it was me and dad.
so i was telling dad blow by blow how i rocked that smarty pants dr.s world by refusing to submit.... and dad says "that is what killed my mother,......... mama had cervical cancer and the dr.s just gave her radiation treatments, till they burnt her up...... they are just 'practicing medicine' that is all they are doing now, that is what they want to do to you, they don't know what they are doing or what it will do to you."
it was my turn to be stunned, this is my gramma sarah. she died in paris texas in 1956......
i live my everyday on such a spiritual level, i forget to eat, i don't buy new clothes until i am forced (which dad was under strict instructions to get to a mall today and i came home with a pair of brown ballet flat crocs!) i believe everything existed before and i believe it will all continue to exist after we are "dead" from this world as we know it. the veil between this life and the next is very thin for me, i have spent many night on my knee asking God to let me out of here so i can come home..... but still i live. i tell myself to try to understand the reasons..... i am convinced there is a reason, specific things i am to accomplish.
i just try to put it all together, whilst trying not to be violated by modern civilization.....
i my own lame interpretation of my experiences of the last 3 months..... i will be getting some gramma sarah life stories written down and drinking gallons of lemon water to pass these kidneys stones by myself........ stay tuned!