i always feel like i have to update on saterdays, because my little medicine organizer is one week of little pill boxes.... so as i refill my boxes i have to make a decision, how much drugs to take this coming up week. even though aaron said to "hold it right there" i have decided to keep reducing down to 50/50. then i will hold there until he comes up with some other plan!
so i took 50mg am and 75mg pm 3 days last week and 50mg am and pm the other 4 ....this week i am going for 50/75 two days and 50/50 for the other 5 days. i feel like i am so close to being down to 1/3 of the dosage i was at, i just can't resist pressing forward to reach that mile stone!
this week i have been completely consumed by my own thoughts..... i have tried to sort thru what deanna and i worked out, and i feel like my head is swimming. at first i tried to write it down, (she encouraged me to do so) but i think it is just gonna take a minute for me to get my head around what it all means....
she felt very strongly that i must find a way to go to school to do some kind counseling! (you have been down so many paths and been thru so much. the Lord has allowed you to have these experiences so that you can serve him by helping others....
when i was young i never thought of myself as being "religious" at all! i certainly never would have called myself a Jesus freak. i have come to a place where i am grateful to be able to release and let everyone believe in God as they understand him....
now deanna, in her amazing clarity, believes that every feeling you have is a direct result of what you have thought. i have gone to her with horrible back pain and she has simple said "well you have no support, close you eyes and say 'even though i have believed the lie that i have no support, i forgive myself, deeply love and respect myself' now invite the Savior in and ask him to take this pain, tell him you are sorry believing this lie and tell him that you except his offer of support"
as simple as that i have left her home with out pain many times. my neck bothers me on regular intervals, and again.... simply "the scriptures have talked to us about being a "stiff necked people, you have got to turn your will over the Lord, then you will be able to turn your head and see paths that the Lord have opened up for you, close you eyes and and say even though i have believed....." i decide along time ago that she knew someone i didn't, and just being the nosy person i am, i wanted to know what she knew! i have worked hard to find out.....
i think finally after our session the other day i am able to see my life as a collection of triumphs, experiences which i could use, if it were God's will, to help others learn to transcend their own struggles to get to a place of acceptance and peace. hmmmmm?! sounds like a lot of pressure!
i had the small hope to be clean my fall which i am not sure about now.....if i were able to do that maybe i could be ready to start school, i think there is enough help available now as opposed to 5 or 10 yrs ago (when i try school and bombed out) that i would be able to get enough help to do it.......
baby steps!