this week i am going to try 50mg. am and pm at least two days and see how that goes..... i obviously have been hesitant to reduce too fast, but now i am feeling myself entering mental territory that i went back on meds to avoid the last time. i have been on and off meds for the last 20 years. i have chosen to be chemically altered to avoid experiencing reality the way my brain interprets it. i am having a hard time finding words to describe it. not because my brain has gone into "anti word find mode" but because there are no words. it is like trying to describe a color, how would you describe purple to a blind person?
one of the kind of seizures that i have "is to experience aura's" which means to smell, hear or see things other people don't. smells i have learned to ignore, the sounds are just ringing or buzzing (never voices, which is good because that would put me in the category of schizophrenia) it is what i see that bothers me most and has effected my life the most. the one thing which i am going to write about is the fact that i can see lights and colors around people, well all living things really. somehow through out my life time i have learned to interpret what each color means. well not really learned but somehow became aware. once i took one look at an elephant at a circus and burst out crying. whatever i knew i just knew and wished i didn't.
so as i slowly get closer and closer to being sober, well clean of prescription drugs, i have been and will be more and more aware of the truth, and i will be searching for ways to deal with the truths that i see....... this the part when i really want to kill myself. this is the part when i say i can't take one more day......
stay tuned.......